


Angstrom

by Mysticmcknight



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-05-28
Updated: 2001-05-28
Packaged: 2017-11-10 20:04:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/470133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mysticmcknight/pseuds/Mysticmcknight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes the smallest things can set off great chain of events, for good and for bad</p>
            </blockquote>





	Angstrom

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: SOME SECTIONS OF THIS STORY HAVE GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS THAT MAY PROVE DISTURBING

“Captain, I was only trying to make it authentic. Its twenty-first century San Francisco,” Tom explained as he stood before Captain Janeway in her ready room. 

“I won’t have that kind of depravity on board my ship! This is a Starfleet vessel, and that kind of behavior is not tolerated, you know this. The only reason I’m not throwing you in the brig is because it ‘was’ just a holographic nightclub and you were being…’authentic’, as it were. But you will delete it and you will never, and I do mean never create or participate in the creation of such things again. Do you understand me, Mister?” 

“Yes, Captain.” 

“Good. Now go and get rid of that…that program. Dismissed.” 

Tom headed out of Captain Janeway’s office and straight to the holodeck. He noticed that the program he had worked so many hours on was still running since he had been called to the Captain’s ready room. He entered inside to be greeted by the twenty-first century nightclub he was creating. He did have ulterior motives for making the place; one was to find out if there would be any tolerance on board Voyager, even all the way out here in the Delta, which he found out there wouldn’t be. He also made it a San Francisco club on purpose for he could truthfully state that he was making it authentic if anyone balked about same sex coupling that took place, for he was tired of being in the closet and was hoping to finally come out. 

He knew like everyone else that Starfleet had no tolerance for same sex coupling on board their vessels. They barely tolerated it in those they contracted with, but not with anyone who wanted to make Starfleet a career. Tom had learned long ago that he had to keep that part of himself suppressed, but as he got older it became more and more difficult. Then having a taste of freedom before jail, he knew who he was, so being shoved back in the closet was worse than it was before he left it. 

He moved in and smiled, letting himself forget what lay behind the archway for a moment. //One last fling? What the hell! // “Computer, privacy lock, Paris 27 Omega,” he stated. Then after the computer confirmed it. “Run Paris program San Francisco 69,” he grinned. The computer beeped and then all the women disappeared from the area leaving only the sexiest of men dancing, grooving to the rhythm around them. Had he checked he would have noticed that someone was watching him from the second floor of the nightclub. 

Tom stripped off his uniform jacket and gathered a drink in one hand and a cute guy in the other and slowly started to unwind. But only for a few minutes, for as he was relaxing he was searching the area, looking for something or someone. He spotted them, and moved across the floor. “Care to dance?” he asked. 

The big dark handsome man turned to him and smiled, “Sure, babe.” 

Tom knew it was just a holographic version of Chakotay, but he had been in love with the big man for so long, that simple dreams were not enough anymore. He knew the First Officer was the epitome of heterosexuals united, but it didn’t stop the feelings from flowing. Even if the Captain would have been more open, he still wouldn’t have done anything about his love for Chakotay, but at least he could have found someone he could be true with.

But that was to be denied him, so he allowed himself to be taken in by the holographic world he had for this last moment, and moved into the strong arms he so desired and the two of them started to dance. The beat was fast and he was personally proud as to how the program could move the big body he has lusted over the years for. He couldn’t get over how sexy Chakotay looked in black tight pants, a deep red shirt and a matching black jacket. 

After a minute, Tom was being sandwiched between another sexy man and Chakotay, loving every bit of it, then the other man grabbed him and the two of them started to get very friendly. Tom had lost track of Chakotay, losing himself in the touch of being manhandled, the way he longed for. Then the music changed, to a slower beat. 

Tom was a bit startled, but he did program a random DJ for the program. Then he felt another pair of strong arms pulling him back. He turned to see Chakotay, smiling at him, and then the big man wrapped his arms around Tom’s waist and the two of them slowed danced together. Tom felt wonderful, this was almost a dream come true. He rubbed his hands up Chantey’s strong back, feeling how smooth the red shirt felt on the big man, then looked up into the eyes he adored. 

Tom then felt warm lips touch his. Strong arms pull him tight, a soft moist tongue begging to be allowed entrance, and Tom allowed it. The kiss was searing, and Tom felt his body explode with fire and desire under the skilled mouth that was enveloping him. When the kiss finally broke for Tom needed to breathe, he hugged Chakotay and chuckled. 

“Something wrong?”

“Nothing, just that my holographic skills are either getting much better or I’ve gotten that much more desperate,” he joked, and then leaned back knowing the hologram wouldn’t know what he was talking about. “Never mind,” he said and leaned in for another soul searing kiss. He felt strong hands move down his lower back and cup his butt, squeezing it possessively, and Tom let out a soft moan. “Don’t stop,” he whispered as he pulled Chakotay closer to him. 

“Your wish is my command,” Chakotay replied in a breathy purr. 

“Then I command you to love me for ever,” Tom replied as he locked lips with his hearts desire, not caring that it was only a holographic character. He needed this, and he needed it now. 

Just then the red alert klaxon sounded. “FUCK!” Tom shouted. This was unfair. He had to delete this program and…hell! “Computer, end program” he shouted and dashed out to report to the bridge. He’d handle the program another time. He didn’t take notice of the person staring at him as the program vanished. 

 

**************

The situation had been minor, but it did leave Voyager a bit beaten and worn. Some away missions had to be sent to gather food, and others needed supplies. The farthest team was Chakotay’s for they had the job of gathering the food. They had the longest wait, three days, before Voyager would meet up with them. 

Chakotay had not only the job of heading the mission but piloting the shuttle to and from the tiny moon that held a vast amount of what they needed. He just shut down the engines glad to be back, and gave a smile to his team and they knew they could get started and unload. He moved out of the shuttle and was pleased to see that many of the crew had volunteered to help them, as was the unwritten tradition that developed over the years. 

The First Officer gave his thanks and started to move out of the shuttle bay to make his report when he ran straight into Harry Kim. “Sir, you gotta do something!” he pleased softly. 

“Whoa, do what?” he said, placing a clam hand on the young man’s shoulder. “What’s the problem? Remember, I just got back,” he smiled. 

Harry looked around and gestured that the hall was no place to discuss this. They moved to an empty observation lounge and Harry locked the door. “Sir, you’ve always come across as open minded, even more tolerant than others may be. I mean, we’re stuck out here, how can we expect others to hold to such ridged and stupid ideas anyway!”

“Harry…sit down,” Chakotay said softly, taking a seat himself. “Now, why don’t you tell me what’s going on.”

Harry sat down and took a deep breath. “Tom’s been kicked off the ship.”

Chakotay’s eyes went wide. “Why?”

Harry looked embarrassed, “he…he was caught…indulging…” he let out a deep breath. 

“Harry, spit it out. What did Tom do?” 

“Tom turned out to be gay,” Harry finally stated. “He was caught having sex with a man.” Harry felt as if a huge weight had just been lifted from his shoulders. 

“Then who else got kicked off?”

“No one, it wasn’t a real man…,” Harry started to get upset again. “Commander, you got to do something, please! It’s wrong to just dump him off on some inhabited rock just because he couldn’t deny himself anymore. Please, please tell me you understand this?” 

Chakotay looked at the young ensign and felt proud of him for being willing to stand up for his best friend. Chakotay knew that many would not do so, and Starfleet was notorious for their closed mindedness that surrounded this issue. “I’ll see what I can do, Harry. I promise.” 

Chakotay laid a reassuring hand on Harry then left. Harry could see by the stride the Commander was using that he was angry about this, but would it be enough, he wasn’t sure, but he didn’t know what else to do. 

*************

Chakotay strode on the bridge. He saw Janeway turn to greet him, “Your office, now.” He said in his quiet angry voice he was famous for. He didn’t even wait to see if she would or not, he walked in her office to wait for her. 

He turned to see her move in, the anger in her face. “How dare you,” she said in her quiet angry voice.

“How dare I? How dare you! How could you kick Tom off the ship like this?” he demanded. “He’s the best pilot this ship has ever had, not to mention probably ever will have. Plus, I can’t believe you would strand someone out in the middle of nowhere because they decided to focus their natural desires into a hologram? Just how much do you ignorant Starfleet people think a person can deny of themselves?” 

“Starfleet regulations are clear…”

“I don’t give a damn about regulations, Captain. Not when it hurts good men and woman of this crew! Tom Paris has done nothing but his best since we were stranded out here in the Delta quadrant. Spirits, Kathryn. You, yourself got me to open my eyes to this. How could you do it?” 

Janeway looked angry; she didn’t expect her First Officer to turn on her like this. “Again, the regulations are clear, Commander. Everyone on board knew them and agreed to them. Tom violated them and he chose to be left behind then serve brig time. This is the end of it,” she snapped. 

“Turn the ship around, Captain. We can’t leave him like this,” Chakotay said, letting his eyes plead for compassion from her. 

“The matter is closed, Commander. I suggest you get use to it,” she said then turned to exit her office. 

“Not by a long shot, Captain,” Chakotay vowed softly after she left. 

 

************************

 

Later that night, Chakotay stood in his quarters with the senior members of his former Maquis. He listened to them tell him that Tom had been caught by Engine Jennings, and he reported it to the Captain. Apparently Jennings noticed an unauthorized program running and being security decided to check it out. 

The violation was reported to the Captain at once, and Tom was called before her. The next thing they knew was that Tom was being left behind, his choice. That was the end of it.

“And did any of you try to do more?” he asked in a quiet tone?

“With all due respect, Sir, but why?” Dalby asked. “What he was doing was wrong.” 

“Oh shut up, Kevin!” B’Elanna replied. Then looked at her friend, “What could we do? We were not involved in this, and…well…we didn’t…” she looked down. 

“Want to be involved in it. Afraid of having accusations against yourselves? I thought you were the type of people that stood up for what was right?” Chakotay said, standing up to make his point. “What happened during my absence was wrong, and you all know it!” he growled. 

“Commander…” B’Elanna tried to said as she reached for her friend, but he shoved her off. 

“Get out,” he said in his quite voice. “All of you.”

“Captain?” young Geron stated, not understanding why his former Captain was so angry at them. He didn’t know about Tom leaving until this morning when someone finally mentioned it. 

“Don’t call me that!” Chakotay snapped. “None of you hold the privilege of calling me that. My crew wouldn’t have tolerated such discrimination and outright injustice. I don’t know who you people are, but you are ‘not’ my crew. And as far as I am concerned, I’m only your First officer. Now get out!” 

When the last person left, Chakotay moved from where he stood to his desk and pulled out a bottle of real alcohol, which he had kept over the years. To night he had need of it. He didn’t even bother with a glass for he opened it and drank one large gulp. Then he sat in his chair looking at the stars that no longer looked friendly to him. //No one deserves that kind of fate, especially you, Tom.// Then he turned to his computer and set to work to find a way to make right this travesty of justice. 

 

**************

Day three of my exile. I don’t know how long I’ll keep this journal, but for now it’s something to do. The tiny planet has no hostile inhabitants, meaning animals or plants, and there is food, and I have been given all I need to grow more, and survive here…all but company that is. 

I explained before what happened. That I decided to indulge in my holographic fantasy of Commander Chakotay and got caught. Sad part was that it wasn’t even worth it. It…it didn’t feel anywhere as good as it did that first night before the red alert sounded. Oh well, that just goes to show you how the Paris luck runs for me. I get caught fucking a man, and I don’t even really enjoy it. 

Well, the shelter is finished and so are most of the basics. The stars are beautiful, that much I have to said. Okay, they’re not that great either. But I have to have something, or I’ll go out of my mind. I know, I know, I could have chosen the brig, but I couldn’t face him. It would have been bad enough with the crew finding out about me, I probably could have tolerated their hatred…hell I did it before, again would be no sweat…right? 

But I couldn’t face Chakotay. I mean, it was with his image that I got caught using. I couldn’t stand for him to hate me again. He has meant everything to me over the years. He was the reason I wanted to change, and he was my template as to how to do it. I’m far from ever being like him, but when I finally won his respect and even started to have his friendship…I couldn’t bare to see it all slip from his eyes. 

Want to hear pathetic? I have this obscured notion that Chakotay will come to my rescue. Is that not funny or what? Truly pathetic, I know. But…I guess a part of me needs to believe it. I’ll give it a couple of months; it’ll fade away like most things. Probably by then I’ll be able to end things, but…I’m not ready to lie down and die. 

Tomorrow I’m gong to start to set up the last of the supplies and then I guess I’ll have to start making plans to how I want my home to be? Home…what a depressing word.

 

****END OF PART ONE**********

Janeway sat in her chair barely looking over her shoulder to take note that Chakotay had just reported for duty. He usually had breakfast with her, but she felt he still must be sore over the incident with Tom. She felt that she’d give him some time to cool off. She watched him move down to stand next to her, and she was about to comment on how awful he looked, dark circles under his eyes, when he handed her a PADD.

She took it, read it, then glared at him, “You wouldn’t?” she said in an angry but hushed tone. 

“Its regulations, Captain. And we both know how much of a stickler you are for regulations. Plus, if you don’t do it, you’ll be in violation and then I’d have to take command. Either way, we’re going back,” he said softly, but those on the bridge still could hear them. 

She narrowed her eyes at her First Officer, but he was right. It was a regulation that no one may be left behind in an unsuitable environment as form of punishment for any crime. It was also stated that being stranded alone was a clear hazard to mental and emotional well being. She knew Chakotay had gone all out on this, but he had her. If she didn’t go back and collect Tom, even if was to relocate him to an alien world were he could possible prosper in, she’d violate Starfleet regulations that prohibited her from purposely harming a crew member for any crime committed. 

“Lt. Betaheart, turn us around,” she ordered quietly. She knew by the silence on the bridge that everyone knew where they were going. “I hope you know what you are doing?” she asked of her First Officer as he took his seat beside her. 

He just looked at her, no smile, no glare, no response what so ever, but a cold indifferent look. "All stations report normal, Captain,” he finally said, then looked back to do his duty. 

Harry kept the smile he felt to himself, for he had prayed that someone could help his best friend, and he had hoped against hope it was the Commander, and he was glad he was right. He didn’t know what was on that PADD, but they were going back for Tom and that was all that mattered. 

***********

The next few days had been tense. Commander Chakotay had always been a good First Officer, that didn’t change, but his attitude to everyone else did. He was cool and professional nonstop. He didn’t smile, and he didn’t socialize with anyone, and if they tried to approach him, he’d either coolly rebuff them or walk away. 

When the Captain had asked about his attitude, he simple replied that she better get use to it, and that was the end of that conversation. It was this conversation on the bridge that prompted Harry to seek out Torres. It was lunchtime and he joined her at the table, “Can I talk to you?”

“Sure, Harry, what’s up?”

“Well, I was wondering if you know what’s wrong with Commander Chakotay lately?” 

She stopped eating and looked down, guilt filling her eyes. “He’s angry. He’s always been the type of man that believed in justice and what was right, and we all like that about him, but…”

“But?”

“We’re not all like him. He…he’s angry that none of the Maquis tried to stop the Captain from kicking Tom of the ship, or at least stall until he got back.”

“You couldn’t do anything…could you?”

She slowly looked up to meet Harry’s eyes, “I don’t know. Truth is, Harry, no one tried. I’m…I’m sorry,” she said, pushing her tray away for she lost her appetite. 

“Don’t feel too bad, B’Elanna. It’s not like I staged a riot or anything,” Harry replied. “In fact, the only thing I did ‘was’ tell the Commander in hopes he could do something.”

B’Elanna smiled a little, “Looks like he did. “

“Yeah, but now look at things. Over half the crew is angry with him for making them waste time going back for Tom, and he’s become the ice man cometh, if you know what I mean.”

“Not really, Harry. But I feel for him and the situation.” She sat quietly for a moment. “You know, perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps there is something I can do,” she said, her mind locking in an idea.

“If I can help, count me in,” Harry added. 

“Then your in, Starfleet,” she smiled. Then she got serious, “I’ll warn you now, it could mean trouble?”

“Let me be the judge of that, okay…Maquis?” He smiled back. 

“Deal. Meet me in holodeck 3 at 18:00hrs, no uniform,” she said then left to return to work. 

**************

Harry finished up his shift and headed to his quarters to change and then headed off to holodeck 3. When he got there he was asked to identify himself, which he thought odd, but did so. He was given admittance and walked into a large room; over half of the former Marquise and half a dozen Fleet like himself were there. He also saw Neelix and Seven of Nine present as well. He moved through the puzzled looks, for none of them seemed to have an idea as to why they were there either. 

“Glad you could all make it,” B’Elanna said from a small podium, up front. “I called all of you here to discuss a sensitive subject. That subject is Tom Paris and what happened to him. Like Commander Chakotay, I too feel he was wronged. If you feel the same I ask you to stay and hear me out. If you don’t then you should leave, though if you feel like staying so you can be a snitch, forget it. This meeting will be recorded, for I don’t plan on doing anything illegal.” 

She watched as only five people left, mostly former Marquise, the rest stayed. “Good. It’s simple. We may not be able to change anything, but we can make our voices heard. Commander Chakotay should not be standing alone on this issue and I for one won’t allow it any longer. I plan on making a personal complaint about the injustice that Tom was given and submit it publicly.”

This got many in the crowd to murmur, for to do something like this was inviting trouble. “Aren’t you concerned about what may happen to you?” Someone called out.

“I look at it this way. Chakotay was right. We ‘are’ the type of people that stand up for what is right, at least I am. Once again, he has had to show us the way, and pay the price. Well, no more. I think what happened to Tom was wrong, plain and simple. If anyone has a problem with him or me, they can bring it to my face!” she took a deep breath, anger would not serve this moment. 

“The real question is, will you serve the injustice with your silence or will you speak up with me? My statement is already on this PADD, those who sign it will be standing with me. Again, this will be made public. But the decision is yours,” she said. Then she signs the PADD and moved down from the podium and lays it on a table and stands back to see what people will do. 

She smiled to see that Harry doesn’t even hesitate; he walks up and signs right underneath her name. “Should of told me this is what you were up too, I could of saved myself the trip and signed it at lunch time,” he teased. 

Out of the sixty-five people in that room that stayed to hear B’Elanna out, sixty signed with her, including Neelix and Seven of nine. She took the PADD with pride and chimed the doorbell of the First Officer’s quarters.

“Enter,” he said coolly.

She marched in and saw him wrapped in his night robe, going over reports. She couldn’t help but smile, he looked so cute when he was so serious. 

“Can I help you, Lieutenant?” 

“No, Commander, but I think I can help you,” she said then moved in and handed him the PADD. “This was just posted a few minutes ago, but I thought you might want to get a first hand look at it, Sir.”

Chakotay took the PADD and switched it on and read it. His face shifted from cold stone to soft disbelief, then for the first time in days a small smile crossed his face. He looked up, “You guys really posted this?”

She smiled with pride, “Yes, sir. We may not be able to do much to help Tom, but we know now that remaining silent was just as wrong. At least people and the Captain will know where most of us stand on this matter. I…we…didn’t want you to think you stood alone. It was bad enough that we let Tom think that he did,” she said, guilt returning to her eyes. 

“Knowing, Tom, he probably blames himself,” Chakotay said softly. Then he looks out the window behind him, “I hope he’s okay.”

“Me too, Sir. Me too. But we’ll be there by tomorrow afternoon.” 

Chakotay stood up and tied his robe around him even tighter. Then he moved toward B’Elanna, “Thank you,” he said softly. He leaned in and hugged her. 

“You’re welcome…Captain,” she said softly. 

*****************

Another sunrise another boring day on planet Chakotay. Yep, I decided to name it after the big guy, for I’m sure if he were here, he’d be having the time of his life. There are no end to the trees and mountains around here. The animal life is moderate enough that he’d be right in his environment… a true nature boy. 

I tried to hunt the way I though Chakotay would do it…bad move. I now sit here by my shelter with a twisted ankle. It could have been worse; Chakotay really could have been here to see that baby bunny lead me on the stupidest goose chase ever! I laugh now, but it hurt like hell falling and landing face first in to…never mind, I don’t intend to let it go down in history just how idiotic my first hunt went, you’ll just have to use your imaginations. 

The nights have been filled with a lot of distant fireworks. They’re small in comparison to the sky above, but being a space brat, I know that somewhere within this galaxy there is some kind of war going on. I just hope Voyager is not involved. I’m pretty sure they were heading in the opposite direction, but who knows. After last nights sky dance I’d almost swear what ever is going on is coming this way, but, this place is uninhabited, so I’m sure I have nothing to worry about. Besides, even if I did, what could I do about it? If my warrior skills are anything like my hunting….well, let’s said I’m glad I got a phaser. 

Plans for today, same as yesterday. Tend to the garden as best as I can, then go down to the river and take a swim. Then it’s back here and tend to the few daily chores I’ve set for myself and by then it’ll be bedtime. I’ll cry myself asleep once more; still holding tightly that Chakotay will come save me from this dreary world…well I’d better get started. 

Tom did just as he said he would. He tended to what he hoped would be a prosperous garden, even if there was lots of food around, it gave him something to do. Then by noon he headed down to the river for a swim. He stripped off his clothing, wadded into the water and relaxed. The sun boar down warmly and he felt good just laying here letting the water run over his body. 

“Beautiful.” 

Tom jumped and snapped open his eyes. He hadn’t heard a human voice in days, so when he did look, he couldn’t believe his eyes. He raised his hand to his forehead to see if he had a cut or a fever to explain why he was hallucinating. 

“Are you okay, Tom?” Chakotay said warmly, seeing how confused Tom looked. 

“I knew I’d go crazy some day, but this is too early on the timetable,” he quipped. He looked up as the figure of Chakotay simply laughed. Then he saw the older man being joined by B’Elanna and Harry. 

“Tom!” Harry shouted with a warm smile and splashed out into the water to greet his friend with a big hug. He didn’t care what anyone thought, not anymore. 

Feeling Harry’s warm arms around him, Tom suddenly knew that this was real. They really came back for him, and Chakotay led the way. He started to laugh and hugged his best friend with all his might. “I can’t believe you’re here!” he exclaimed.

“Thank the Commander,” Harry said as he hugged his best friend again, then started to drag him out of the water. 

“Ah, Harry, let me get dressed first,” Tom said, as he started to blush, with all the set of eyes on him. 

“Oh, yeah,” Harry replied and moved up to the bank keeping his back to Tom as he made sure the others did too. Then he turned when he felt Tom’s hand on his shoulder. 

“Is it true, Commander?” Tom asked softly, but just a touch of his smart-ass attitude to cover up the pain he felt inside from being left in the first place. 

Chakotay gestured for the others to leave; he wanted to talk with Tom alone. He could see their reluctance, but pleased that they listened to him. Then when it was just the two of them, “I don’t want to get your hopes up, Tom…”

“A bit late for that, don’t you think?”

“Would you please?” 

“Sorry.”

“Look, Tom. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to stop this…this travesty. I’m even sorrier that I can’t do as much as I want…”

“What does that mean?” 

“Tom, the only reason I was able to get the Captain to come back was because this environment is considered unhealthy for you in the long run.” 

Tom could see the guilt and the play of emotions in the dark eyes he had learned to read so well over the years. Chakotay was sincere in that he was sorry he wasn’t there to help him, but he wasn’t here to make things all better either. “Explain?” was all he said. 

“Tom, the Captain thinks that this is only a reprieve until a suitable place can be found for you…”

“And you?” he asked. He didn’t give a damn what the Captain thought. 

“I…I’m hoping that I might be able to get you to reconsider and stay,” Chakotay replied softly. “You have the right to be who you are, and no one, not even Starfleet has the right to take that away from you much less punish you for it. They’re wrong, Tom, not you, and I’m sorry that you have to bear the burden of such small minds.” 

The only thing that Chakotay could have said that was any better would have been he loved Tom, but the young pilot saw Chakotay’s acceptance of him and his willingness to fight for him just as warm and touching. So in a sense, his dream of Chakotay coming to his rescue came true! “Perhaps I could do a little brig time,” Tom smiled back softly. 

Chakotay smiled too, “Well, if I have anything to said about it, you won’t even have to do that, but I won’t make promises I don’t know I can keep. But I do promise that I’ll look out for you,” he said, his eyes warm and full as he looked down at the young blond. 

Just then a strange feeling overcame him and the beautiful environment blurred and he was no longer on the tiny moon. Instead he and Tom were now in a strange cell. He moved to see if Tom was alright, and then moved to look out of the force field. “Shit, Borg!” 

 

****END OF PART TWO**********

 

He pulled Tom close to him, “The Captain may be able to get us out of here,” he stated, his own fear pushing at his throat as he spoke. 

“I’d rather you kill me now than let me become a drone,” Tom replied. “Besides, the Captain will lock on you com badge if she can, and I don’t have one,” he added. 

Chakotay knew what he was saiding, that Janeway would only try and rescue her First Officer and blame it on the fact that Tom didn’t have a signal to lock on to. He looked into Tom’s eyes just after seeing the Borg drones heading to the cell. “For what it’s worth,” he said, then leans in and kisses Tom. 

It only took a moment, but Tom responded lovingly. Then as the kiss broke it dawned on him, “The missing jacket…it…it really was you!” 

Chakotay smiled, “Yes, babe. It was really me. I got caught in you program when you locked it up. I was just checking it out, trying to see why the Captain was making such a fuss over it. Then when I saw the holographic version of myself…well,” he blushed, “I thought why should he have all the fun.” 

“Cha…if…I…”

The cell was being opened. “Shh, just know that I wanted to be with you then and I want the same now. I happen to love you Tom Paris, never forget that. Now, when I said, you run for the opening and keep running. The Borg are slow and I know the Captain will get us out of here, understand?”

“But…”

“No buts, Lieutenant! Now!” he said as he pushed the Borg drone back then did a sweep kick on another leaving an opening for Tom to run. “Run!” 

Tom did as he was told, only because Chakotay was right behind him. They made it past the first couple of Borg, but the enemy was now shooting their weapons, and it made moving through the narrow halls even more difficult. “The gravity well!” Tom shouted. It was the center of the ship near the core were there was a huge gap, and sometimes a gravity wave moved through there, sometimes it didn’t. But either way, it was their only chance. 

Tom was hit in the leg and Chakotay moved closer and helped him to stand. “Come on,” he hissed and pulled Tom with him. The Borg was closing in on them. He moved his free hand to his chest and took his com badge and slipped it on to Tom’s back. At least one of them would make it out, this much he was sure of. They were only feet away from the gravity well and surrounded. Chakotay let go of Tom and charged the two before him, but they were able to overpower him and inject him. 

“No!” Tom shouted. 

Even in his current state of change, Chakotay continued to struggle and knock the Borg out of Tom’s way. “Run!” he shouted. “Run you little fuck!” he shouted with as much anger as he could muster. 

This prompted Tom into action and he ran past the Borg drone to the edge of the gravity well. He stopped and turned to see them grabbing Chakotay up, he shouted to Tom, ‘I love you…Go!” So, with tears in his eyes Tom jumped. 

There was no gravity wave moving through the gap, but Tom did prefer death to being assimilated, but as he fell he felt the familiar tingling of a transporter beam take hold of him. He didn’t know if he’d be meeting Borg or what. 

When he came around, his initial reaction was to jump, for he was still falling and his mind hadn’t adjusted to suddenly no longer doing so. He looked around, it was Voyager, but by the look on the ensign’s face, it wasn’t Tom they were trying to rescue. 

“Did you get them?” Janeway’s voice rang over the com unit. 

//At least it was them and not him, // Tom though as he moved from the transporter pad, then sitting down, wanting to cry, but everything was happening too fast for him so he just sat there. 

“Captain, I was only able to lock on Commander Chakotay’s signal, but…Mr. Paris is the one that arrived,” he said. 

“Where is Commander Chakotay?” she demanded.

“I’ve lost his bio signal, and…”

“The damn Borg got him,” Tom said with a tight voice. 

“What was that?” Janeway asked. 

Tom stood up, anger now in his face as he moved to the com unit, “I said, Captain. That the damn Borg has him. He is being assimilated!” Though he was angry, tears finally found there way down his face. 

“Escort Mr. Paris to the bridge,” Janeway said then cut the com channel. 

“I really did try to get you both,” the young ensign said. “But when the bio signals became mixed up all I could do was lock on the com badge,” he said then reached out slowly and removed it from Tom’s back. “I guess the Commander knew this.” 

Tom took the badge and nodded his head that he too understood this, and moved quietly to the bridge; too see what Janeway was going to do with him now. Though at this point he didn’t care, for the man he loved, and finally discovered loved him too was…gone. 

Tom just arrived to the bridge as a signal was being patched through on to the main view screen. It was the Borg queen. 

“Ah, Captain Janeway…Seven, how good to see you both again,” she said softly. 

 

“You have one of my men, I want them returned now!” Janeway growled. 

“And I want Seven back. A trade?”

“Never!” Janeway snapped, not allowing anyone else to speak.

“If it would…”

“No one is going to sacrifice themselves here. There is no discussion,” Janeway snapped again, this time at the young former Borg. 

“As you wish, Captain,” the Borg queen purred. Then all the view screens came on line, her face was plastered everywhere. “I may not be able to find you at the moment, but I can make sure you have a front row seat to witness my beautiful creation,” she stated. Then she moved back and everyone could now see Chakotay has been stripped naked and laid out strapped to a table. 

“YOU BITCH!” Tom cried out, wanting to do something, anything. But all he could do was lock his focus to the now pale man who held his soul. Tom noticed that Chakotay was mumbling something, as if chanting, but he couldn’t make it out. 

“I’m warning you…” Janeway growled with vengeance. 

“Captain, what is she going to do?” asked a very naïve Geron. 

“Why, child, I’m going to assimilate him,” the Borg queen grinned. Then with nod they began. 

The sound of a buzz saw filled the air followed by the crunching sound of metal to bone. The spray of blood shot everywhere. Immediately several members of the bridge crew turned from the screen and started to throw up, the view of seeing Chakotay’s leg being sawed off was too much for them. But the metal moved through his dark flesh with ease. 

“Shut that damn thing off!” Janeway shouted as tears filled her eyes seeing her friend and First Officer being mutilated this way. 

“I…I can’t!” Harry shouted back, as he tried in desperation to shut out the image on the screen. 

“LEAVE HIM ALONE YOU BITCH!” Tom shouted, tears soaked his face as the watched the drones move without hesitation to the next leg. 

“I guess your Commander no longer has a leg to stand on,” she said, knowing her words would sting the flawed flesh dwellers. 

“You’ll pay for this,” Janeway vowed.

“Perhaps your Commander can lend you a hand,” she smirked and reached out and pulled his arm from his socket and tossed it toward the view screen. 

Tom fell to his knees by the bridge railing; the pain of seeing the man he loved being treated this way, was becoming too much. He was only glad that Chakotay had lost consciences at the very start of this atrocity, for the older man never screamed, not even once.

No matter what they did, they couldn’t shut off all the view screens. Tom watched in horror as what was left of Chakotay’s limbless body was being lifted and placed into a robotic suite. Then tubes and dozens of other implants were placed into him. They left his face and head alone for the most part, until the end. Then they placed in the neurotransmitter that would link him permanently to the collective. Tom couldn’t cry anymore, his soul had been ripped from him, all he could do to hang on was find strength in the revenge he too swore he would have. 

It was slight, but as the final connection was made, the Borg queen turned toward the drones, a very dissatisfied look on her face. She then glared at Voyager, something was wrong, then she looked back to the drones, and the connection was lost. 

The bridge was silent. 

******************

Some time had passed and Tom stood before Janeway in her office. No words were spoken by anyone but the basic few. Many of the crew had responded poorly to seeing their First Officer mutilated and assimilated. It was as if they watched their own heart being ripped from them and for some it was exactly as such. 

Janeway looked at Tom Paris, she was angry, and she wanted someone to blame. She was going to send it Tom’s way, but the young man spoke first. 

“I don’t care what you do with me, Captain. I’m begging you, just let me help you take that bitch down, please! If you guys hadn’t come back for me…he wouldn’t…Please, Captain. Let me help kill her, and then you can leave me anywhere you want. I won’t cause any trouble, I swear it!” 

Janeway did want to make it all Tom’s fault, but was it really? Had she not left the young man behind in the first place none of this would have happened. In fact, if she wasn’t so rigid as Chakotay had accused her off, Tom wouldn’t have been in trouble, and…” she couldn’t take anymore of this. She closed her eyes, a tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. When she opened them again she was finally able to see Tom; the real Tom standing before her, not the one out of date regulations made him out to be. 

She could see that his eyes were even more hallow than her heart was feeling at the moment and they were all cried out too. It all made sense now, so much of it became clear, and at what cost? A friend’s life. 

“Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris. From this point forward all charges against you for said violation of article 127 section B-3 are dropped. Let it also be stated for the record that as Captain of this vessel under article 438 section D-12 that I use my right and withdraw article 127 section and all its subsections. Any actions that would typically fall under this heading will no longer be considered a violation of Starfleet regulations.” Then she looked up at Tom and stood and held out her hand, “if you think you could forgive me,” she said softly. 

Tom understood what was happening here, and wished with all his soul that Chakotay didn’t have to pay the price for this enlightenment. But to deny this woman now would be an insult to his love’s memory. So Tom reached out and took Kathryn’s hand and gave it a small squeeze. 

“I’m calling a senior staff meeting in an hour. I expect ‘all’ my senior officers to be there,” she said , looking at Tom to see if he understood what she was trying to said. 

“Aye, Captain. I’ll be there.” 

“I’ll see you in an hour, Lieutenant,” she said then watched Tom leave. She shifted in her chair and opened a ship wide channel. She made a brave announcement taking all the blame for what happened today. That the chain of events that occurred would not have occurred had she not failed in her duty to Tom Paris in the first place. She announced that the regulation responsible for all this was stricken in memory of Commander Chakotay and Tom was restored to his rightful place. She also asked that in memory of the Commander that everyone respect what she knew he would wish, to welcome Tom back, and to heal as a family from his loss. Then she called the senior staff meeting. 

*************

The room was filled with anguish and sorrow as Janeway walked in. she sat in her usual chair, and noticed that Chakotay’s regular chair remained empty. 

“Captain, may I make a suggestion here?” the EMH asked.

She just nodded. 

“I watched the procedure very closely, and…” he hesitated at the reactions everyone made to the mention of Commander Chakotay’s situation. “There was nothing I couldn’t fix,” he finished.

It was Tom that looked up from the floor, a small fraction of hope in his eyes, “are you sure?” 

“It is not an impossible task, considering the Doctor was able to free me of most of my Borg implants,” Seven replied. 

“And as far as the limbs are concerned, I can create replacements, it’s done quite frequently for those who have lost a limb. Plus, I have been working on regenerating technology. It may be very possible I can make natural replacements and with surgery…” 

Janeway looked around the table. She could see that even the suggestion of saving Chakotay gave fire back to the dead souls she initially was surrounded with. 

“We’ve gone up against the Borg before, and we can do it again!” B’Elanna stated with conviction. 

“I did manage to get a lock on that ship when it was heavily broadcasting,” Harry added. 

Tuvok raised his typical brow, “I find I must take the side of reason here for a moment. To pursue the Borg Queen simply to retrieve the Commander would be suicide.”

“You can’t really want to leave him there?” Harry shouted. 

“I said that I find that I must state the logic of the matter, Ensign. I didn’t said that it was my personal choice,” Tuvok replied. 

“Very well,” Janeway stated. “Tom, Harry, and Tuvok. I want you to track and set course after that ship. I don’t want them to know we’re coming if at all possible. B’Elanna, I want you and Seven to find a way for us to be able to upgrade our shields as well as find us a way to scan for Chakotay, possibly using his DNA.” 

“Then we’re going after him?” Tom asked, just to make sure he wasn’t hearing things wrong. 

“That’s what I said, Lieutenant. I’ll inform the crew. Dismissed.” 

Tom walked out the door with B’Elanna and Harry on both sides of him. It felt strange to be back in uniform again, but all this still seemed like a bad dream, for he still couldn’t accept that Chakotay was gone. But at least now there was hope.

“Lieutenant Pairs,” the EMH stated as he moved up to the young man, ever so glad his emitter gave him such freedom to do so. “I need you to report to sickbay for a standard check up.” seeing the beginning of a protest, “It’ll be fast and then you can get back to work. I too want the Commander back as quickly as possible. In fact, if you can spare the time, your help with the regeneration tanks would be beneficial,” he stated as he followed the three officers into the turbolift. 

“Very well, Doc,” Tom stated. If there was anything he could do to help Cha, he was going to do it. 

He moved with the holo doc to Sickbay and sat quietly as the Doctor examined him. “Not like you to be so quite Mr. Paris,” the EMH said, noting Tom’s solemn state. Even this didn’t get a rise from the former spirited young pilot. “Hmm, well you’ve lost weight, and are a bit under nourished,” he said as he gave him a vitamin shot. 

“I just want to help get the Commander back,” Tom said softly. 

“I understand,” the EMH replied.

“I doubt it,” Tom said softly as he stood to go. 

“Tom…if you need someone to talk with?” 

“Thanks Doc, but that won’t be necessary,” he said then moved out of sickbay. His mind was on getting back to the bridge as fast as possible so he could help Harry and Tuvok triangulate the signal and track the damn ship that had Chakotay. Flashes of the horror he witnessed came to him and he did his best to shake them off. He didn’t see his attackers approach until it was too late. 

 

****END OF PART THREE*************

 

His head hurt and he could hear voices calling his name, but he was too tired to answer them. He wanted to rest, to end the pain. The voices faded and he felt free to move to the warmth that he was feeling drawn too. The colors were fantastic and they surrounded him everywhere as he floated farther and farther away from the pain. In the distance he saw a beautiful white light and stretched out to touch it. 

As he did so, a shadow in the shape of a large bird flew by him, knocking him back. It flew circles around the entrance to the light as if forbidding him to enter. He didn’t know what to do, but then a voice caught his attention and he moved toward it, for it too felt warm, loving and friendly. 

The colors gave way to a dark cavernous area. There were many tunnels, but only one was lit up with torches. He moved himself down the long cave and he could see just up a head a figure sitting by a large pit fire. He moved faster, feeling excited at seeing this person, even if he couldn’t see who it was. His movement turned into a flash and he was there. 

“Chakotay?” Tom’s voice was soft and unsure, as he looked at the man he loved sitting quietly by the large pit fire. He saw the older man look up at him and smile. 

“Tom? What are you doing here?” Chakotay replied as he stood up and crossed to the young man, embracing him tightly. “You made it out okay!” he exclaimed in an intense whisper. 

“Chakotay, what is going on? Is this real? Am I dead too?” 

“I’m not dead, Tom. Well, at least I don’t think so,” the big man grinned warmly. Then he looked around, feeling something that eluded Tom. Then he looked back at the young man. “You don’t belong here. You have to go back,” he said softly, leaning in and placing a soft loving kiss on the young man’s lips. Then he moved back away from Tom, “Zero-four-twenty-five,” he said as Tom started to fade away. 

“Zero-four-twenty-five? Chakotay, what’s going on? Chakotay? Chakotay!” he shouted as he felt himself being pulled like he was a fish on a fisherman’s line. He struggled to get back to Chakotay, but between being too tired to fight and that idiotic bird that kept hindering his efforts, he finally gave up and allowed himself to be pulled to his designation. 

He felt pain and sick as he blinked his eyes, not really wanting to open them, but that annoying voice just wouldn’t go away. He finally opened them and looked into the face of the EMH. 

“Welcome back, Mr. Paris,” the Doc stated. Then he leaned over and gave Tom a sedative, knowing that Tom was now stable after arresting on his table. The Doc looked up at Captain Janeway who was standing near by. “He’ll live.”

“Who would do such a thing?” she asked, more to her self than the holo Doc. 

“I’m not sure. But from the nature of most of the wounds, Mr. Paris took a beating, however, from the angle of the injury to his lower back; I’m not convinced that it was done on purpose. But I guess it doesn’t matter in the long run.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, Captain, that Lieutenant Paris’ lower spine was crushed. Though I was able to fix most of the damage, he won’t be able to walk again.”

“You can’t be serious?” 

“I’m very serious, Captain. In the first place, nerves are a tricky things to deal with. Though we have come a long way in regenerating severed nerve endings, when an area of nerves as complex as the spinal cord is damaged, there are limitations to what we can fix. He will have feeling in his lower region, he just will not be able to support himself without exterior support.”

“Are you sure there is nothing you can do?” she asked, not believing that after all this tragedy, there was to be more. 

“Captain, I’m not telling you all this because I enjoy the sound of my voice. This is the current situation. Of course, I will do my best to see if I can find a new procedure that may correct Mr. Paris’ condition. In the mean time, I suggest we let him rest and you find the culprit that did this.” 

“Commander Tuvok is on it,” she said softly. “Keep me informed,” she added then exited out of sickbay. Feeling the weight of the universe on her shoulders she fled to her one sanctuary, the holo deck in hopes Michael would be able to give her some advice, or at least support. She use to get it from Chakotay…//I’m not going to cry, // she told herself as she increased her pace to the holo deck. When she entered inside the empty room, she didn’t even engage the program; she simply slid down to the floor and cried. 

 

*************

B’Elanna was working with Seven when word of Tom’s ‘accident’ reached her. She knew she would serve everyone better if she continued her work on modifying the shields and upgrading the sensors to pick up Chakotay’s DNA, but her anger wouldn’t leave her. 

She ranted and raved every step of the way, when she realized that Seven actually managed not to make a complaint about her emotional outburst. “I just can’t believe someone would do that to him. Especially after what the Captain said about welcoming Tom home being the Commander’s last wish.” 

“Tom Paris’ injury is a misfortune to us all,” Seven replied. “But we will not be able to aid him in his recovery. That is best left up to the Doctor. We can however aid the Commander by finishing the work here. However, it is time for me to regenerate. I will contact you when I am finished with my cycle,” Seven stated and moved out of the engineering area to her chamber. 

Seven entered her chamber and initiated her regeneration cycle as normal, however instead of the normal rest she would receive, she found she had a visitor. This type of communication between her and the Borg Queen was not new. 

“I’ve been waiting for you, Seven,” the Queen said as warmly as she could. 

“What do you want? I no longer serve you or the collective.” 

“Ah, my dear Seven. You will always be a part of us as we will always be a part of you,” the Queen replied as she brushed her fingers along Seven’s metallic brow. “I brought you a visitor,” she said, then stepped back. 

Seven looked beyond the Queen and saw a drone move close to her. It took a moment to determine who it was, for a laser visor covered the eyes, but the faint tattoo over the left brow made it clear that it was Chakotay. “Do you like?” the Queen asked. 

“It matters not if I like or dislike your drone,” Seven replied, not wanting to give the Queen any satisfaction that seeing the Commander like this was upsetting even to her. 

“I’ve decided to make him one of my ‘special’ ones,” the Queen purred as she ran her fingers down the pale jaw of the drone, once Chakotay, standing ridged next to her. 

“Again, what do you want with me?” 

“Why? I want you back Seven. You know you don’t belong with them, don’t you,” she said softly. 

“I do not belong to you,” Seven replied. 

“Very well, but let me make this clear. I know Janeway, and it would be wise for her to stay as far away from me as possible. Or I’ll assimilate them all, one by one, letting her be last,” the Queen said coldly. Then the connection was broken. 

***************

 

“You don’t thinks she knows were coming do you?” Janeway asked.

“She only indicated that she would assimilate us if our paths crossed again,” Seven replied. 

“You said you saw…. The Commander?” Harry asked, not sure if he wanted to have an answer to his question. 

“Yes. She made it a point to present him to me. Except for the visor, he is much as we last saw him,” she stated then she hesitated. “No, that is not true,” she added as she tried to recall what it was that was different. 

“What?” Janeway asked. 

“He had neurotransmitter links all over,” she said, not sure what this information meant. “They are only used on species whose physical form need additional guidance in cooperation with their movement.” 

“What are you saiding?” B’Elanna asked this time. 

“I am saiding that the Commander’s body had neurotransmitter links. This is not standard use in assimilating Humans,” she replied flatly. “As to why this is the case I have no logical suggestion at the moment.” 

“Will it hinder our rescuing him or getting him back?” Harry asked. 

“I do not see why,” Seven answered. 

“Sickbay to Captain Janeway. You said you wanted to be informed when Mr. Paris was awake. He is coming around now.” The EMH stated over the com channel.

“I’m on my way,” Janeway replied. “Okay. Keep up the good work. Seven, if the Queen contacts you again, try and see if there is anything you can learn from your surroundings that may assist us in locating them. Dismissed.” 

She watched as her officers moved out, “Tuvok?” 

Her friend and temporary First Officer stayed behind. “Yes, Captain?” 

“Any information on who attacked Tom?”

“Negative, Captain. Only that the fight didn’t start in the cargo bay. I was able to retrace Lieutenant Paris’ steps from sickbay to the turbolift. From there the trail ends until he is found in the Cargo bay, with the large crates on top of him. 

“Had that security alarm not been tripped…”

“I am not convinced that the alarm going off was an accident. It may be possible that what ever was occurring in the cargo bay went a wry, and Mr. Paris was injured. The other party feeling panic and guilt may have triggered the alarm before exiting, to insure that Mr. Paris was treated.” 

“Well, I hope that is closer to the truth than someone just willing to let him lay there and die,” Janeway replied. 

“Indeed, Captain. It would also lesson the charge from attempt of murder to assault on several accounts.” 

“Well, keep me posted,” she said as she moved out the door heading down to sickbay. 

 

****************

If one more person asks me if I’m alright, I’m going to deck them! I’m stuck in a damn fucking wheelchair for the rest of my life, how the hell can I be alright? I know the Doctor is doing all he can, but the nerves down there are beyond repair. Of course I have to make matters worse by asking him, that if he can’t fix me how in the hell was he going to fix up Chakotay. His answer was that the only difference between the Commander and me was that from what he observed, the nerves were severed evenly, as mine were damaged, twisted, and torn. This some how makes a difference, as if I care at the moment?

Of course no one understands why I won’t said who attacked me. I mean, yes I was jumped, but we quickly decided to take it to the cargo bay, and it was an accident, they didn’t mean for the shipment to fall on me, so how can I sentence someone in the brig for the next year or so? Of course, Harry said that this person sentenced me to a chair for the rest of mine…but it was an accident, what I would do would not be. 

To make matters even worse, I can’t fly, since I’m on permanent medical leave. For crying out loud, you don’t need to be able to walk to fly! I have gone to the holo deck and flown simulations with no problem, but I’m still not cleared for duty. The only thing that keeps me from going over the edge is helping Harry, and the Doc. 

I may not officially be able to participate, but Harry knows he couldn’t keep me out of this, even if he tried, which he did. I would try and explain to him why, but I love Chakotay too much to tarnish his name like that. Strange, I know he loves me too, and that knowledge is the only real source of strength I have left…I will get him back! 

Harry has located the Queen’s ship, it’s been on the move ever since it’s brief stop where it gathered Chakotay and me up. The Captain has sent warnings to everyone capable of receiving our signal in hopes that they can survive the Borg attacks, but as we have seen in their quake that has not been the case. 

I don’t even want to imagine what it must be like for him; to be locked into a cage that is your body and have no control over it…well perhaps I can. But at least I can said no to that, which I would find wrong and repulsive. Chakotay doesn’t have that luxury. You see I had Seven finally tell me what he would be doing, and it wasn’t pretty. 

She told me, that from what she has observed, he is part of the Queens special elite. They are used for the more difficult assimilation’s, using brute force beyond the regular means of other drones. That he would have to hold down those who resisted the toxic injection, as they were assimilated piece by piece. If that failed, then the elite would kill them and turn over the waste to another section. That it was the same elite that assimilated Chakotay himself.

Sleep has become a rare commodity on board Voyager, and who can blame anyone. I’m not the only one having nightmares of the Commander suddenly standing before me, stating to me in a monotone voice, “You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.” Of course add to that nightmare, that it’s my legs being sawed off, and it makes perfect sense why I wake up screaming and don’t want to sleep. 

The Doc said that sedative usage is at an all time high. I’m hoping that when Chakotay’s finally back, safe and sound that some of these nightmares will end. The best news we’ve had in days has been that Seven and B’Elanna have succeeded in upgrading the shield harmonics and that they can scan for Chakotay’s DNA signature. So, were sneaking in shadows up on the Queen’s ship. As far as Seven can tell, the Queen is unaware of us, and I hope it stays that way. 

Well, since I can’t be of much use on the bridge, even if I did prove differently in the SIMM’s, the Doc has kept me busy too with the tissue regeneration tanks. These tanks will be used to regenerate the lost limbs, which he’ll graft back on to Cha. But there is a chance they will not work, so the EMH has made skin grafts to cover artificial ones. If you ask me, I think Cha would rather not have any limbs then robotic ones, but then at the moment I feel that way too, but if things don’t change soon, I may start to change my mind. 

I mean, I’ve been in this chair for over a week, and I already hate it! And every time I’m about to trash it or someone, the sound of Cha’s voice comes to mind. See, two days after I was given this chair to move around in, I just wanted to get away from sickbay. I didn’t know where to go, so I just moved. I found myself in front of Chakotay’s door. I wanted to go in, but it was locked. I don’t know what made me even try it, but I remembered my dream, where I met up with Chakotay and he loved me. His last words to me was a number, and strangely enough I punched it in and the door opened. Luck? Coincidence? Who knows, but I was able to go inside, so I did. 

Immediately I felt calm, safe, protected, as if his spirit was still here, embracing me as I entered his sanctuary. The place was decorated with a simple but cozy touch. I moved around, feeling welcomed, not once like I was intruding upon his space. I moved to his bedroom and to my surprise the man had a piano in it. I love the piano, and can play pretty good, but I never imagined Chakotay playing. 

I looked at the sheet music and saw that it was not something replicated, but new. He was writing a song, but there were no words to it, and the music was only half finished. I let my hand glide over the artificial black wood then down to the seat. Traditionally, these types of seats were used to store music, so I checked, and sure enough, the lid opened. Inside were folders of music. Some replicated sheet music of musicians I’d heard of, others not. Then there was a third folder marked ‘Tom’. 

Go figure that this would catch my eye. Some of the music was marked, numbered. So I looked through them, and discovered that Commander Chakotay likes to write songs. Though some in the folder was from other artists, there were dozens of them with his name as the creator. They were dated, the last one written the night we danced in the holo deck, so I pulled it out and moved the seat and wheeled myself up to the piano. 

I sat the sheet music out and noticed that there were only notes, but another piece of paper had words. I played the notes, slowly at first to get a feel for it. Then I read the words. 

 

If only I could fly and touch the clouds  
If only I could sing a rainbow into being  
If only I could dance among the stars at night  
If only…

If only I could change more with just a thought  
If only I could be all I wanted to be  
If only I could have all I want to have  
If only….

If only I could freely love whom I chose  
If only I could have them choose me  
If only I could remove the barriers that exist  
If only....

If only I could make fantasy’s real  
If only I could make my heart real  
If only I could make the longing disappear  
If only….

If only I could tell you how I felt  
If only I could believe there was a chance  
If only I could think the opportunity was real  
If only…

If only I could stop the pain  
If only I could stop the love  
If only I could have you  
If only…. If only’s were possible.

It was then that the haunting melody made sense. Chakotay felt just like I did. Trapped. But compared to how it was now…I refuse to think about it. I play the piece again then notice he has a recording chip dated the same. I move and play it, and to my surprise, not only can the big man write and play, he can sing too. I have played it over and over again so by the end of who knows how many replays today alone; I’m in tears and exhausted once more. I move to his bed and chose to lay in it. The sheets still smell like him, and I find comfort in them. I am about to drift off to sleep when the red alert klaxon sound along with Captain Janeway’s voice. We are about to engage the Borg.

 

****END OF PART 4**********

 

I should be the one flying Voyager! But all I can do is wait in sickbay and pray for the best. So far we’ve had ten injured but nothing too serious. I’m beside myself, but when the signal comes in that they found him and a form starts to materialize before us on the biobed, I find I’m scared. 

When he first arrived the Doc had to move quickly and inject a very strong sedative, for the first thing he did was try and attack…us. Now he’s laying on the biobed, and I shiver inside as I look at what they have done to Chakotay. 

I remain silent as I follow orders and hand instruments to the Doc and Seven. She’s assisting since she’s more familiar with the Borg implants. They decide to start with the head area, specifically the visor. 

“The eye cordials are intact,” stated the Doc. 

This of course doesn’t prepare me for what I see. When they start to lift the visor off his face, there are wires running from it into his eyes. Yes, the eyeball was intact, but the wires run past them into his head. The Doc had to carefully remove the eyeball and in a very painstakingly slow process disconnect each connection. This alone takes two hours, and though I have the easiest part, I’m a wreck! However, the Doc and Seven are made of better stuff than me and continue, and silently I push on too. It’s the least I can do…he wouldn’t be here if not for me.

They decide to move on to the neurotransmitters. It was discussed that they would use Seven’s nanobots as they have done before to reverse some of the internal damage. However, just before they are injected, the Doc puts a halt to it. Turns out the Bitch Queen got wise to us doing this with some other’s she attempted to assimilate some time ago. If Seven were to use her nanobots, it would only hurt Chakotay. 

But the Doc isn’t discouraged. He was able to correct Seven’s and he’s confident that he can do the same for Chakotay. So it became our next task to run test after test to figure out how to reduce the nanobots in Commander Chakotay’s system and gain a better understanding of the neuronet they placed in his head. 

Six hours later and the Doc and Seven have managed to reduce the total number of nanobots in Cha’s system, but they can not remove all of them, and sadly not all the implants. The Doc stated that like on Seven, they are in vital areas and if removed would kill Chakotay. I don’t said anything, for what can I said? 

I exit the room to start up the regeneration tanks. That’s about the best news so far. The Doc is sure he can replace Chakotay’s legs and his right arm. Unfortunately when the Bitch Queen ripped out his arm from its socket, it tore and severed nerve endings similar to what happened in my back. So the Doc is working with Seven on removing the left arm from the robot suite and directly attaching it to Chakotay, since he already has the compatibility, thanks to those stupid nanobots!

I shouldn’t be so angry, but I know it will only serve to remind him of this time of his life, as if he could ever forget it. Besides, he’ll have more than the arm; he’ll have an implant showing, like Seven does. Just behind his right ear. Though for the arm they are going to graft skin over it and with the sensitivity level of the sensors in the arm, he’ll be able to feel with it. At least that’s something. 

The tanks are started as I come back and report. The Doc orders me to rest, which of course I protest, but he makes it clear that if I don’t get some rest I will not be allowed to assist him anymore. I glared at him, for he knew that would get me to leave, but I don’t feel too bad when Seven informs me that she too is going to rest for a short time before returning. 

She walks out with me, locking sickbay behind us. See everyone wants to see Chakotay, a combination of knowing he’s alive, and I think morbid curiosity, well only a little. Even the Captain has been kept out. So when we are half way down the hall she intercepts us. 

“Well?” she asks, her eyes demanding to know all. 

“He’s got his color back,” I quip, trying to keep things light. 

“The Commander will need a lot more work, but I estimate a 95.927 percent chance of success. Though his system has become similar to mine and it may become necessary for another cycle chamber to be created,” she said so flatly that it comes off cold. 

“That bad? He’s only been gone a week, you were…years,” Janeway replied, unsure how to take the news. Actually, I don’t know how to take hearing this, for no one said anything to me, and I was in there. 

“That is true, however, Commander Chakotay has been implanted with a vast neuronet that extends even beyond my current knowledge. Preliminary testing stated that it is set to function with built in rest periods associated with the regeneration chamber. However, until more testing has been complete, I can not said for sure.”

“Very well, Seven” Janeway said. “What about…his arms and legs?” 

“His legs and right arm will be able to be replaced with the regeneration process,” I said gladly. 

“And his left?” 

Janeway would ask that. “The Doc is going to remove the arm from the suit and reattach it. Then he’s going to graft natural skin over it. He believes that with the sensors in it and the neuro connection to Chakotay’s brain, that he’ll be able to feel with it,” I said. 

“We must rest before we return to assist the Doctor,” Seven stated and pushes me along the hall after the Captain dismissed us. 

When we get into the turbolift I inform her that I can get it from here. She gets off at her level and I head for mine, suddenly glad that Chakotay and I share the same deck, for that is where I’m going. Once I’m in his quarters when it hit’s me. It wasn’t him.

I mean it was his body, but the entire time I was near him it was like something was missing, as if he wasn’t there. I can’t put it any other way. I chalk it up to his condition and move to his bedroom still feeling welcomed. I hoist myself into his bed like I did earlier and I snuggle up into his pillows. 

I smell his scent everywhere and I snuggle deeper, wanting to be surrounded by it. I may not be able to move my legs, but the rest of me works just fine, even though until this moment I had doubted it. But the hard on I’m sporting from just smelling him, and thinking about his lips on mine, and how good he felt to hold that night in the holodeck has done the trick. 

I do feel a bit guilty, but my need is strong so I reach down and rub myself, thinking of him and burying my face in his pillow. It doesn’t take long before I’m quietly crying out his name and panting heavily. I know I should move and clean up, but the tension release has left me weak and sleep is quickly upon me. 

*****************

The Doc was working around the clock, so by the time I return to Sickbay, Chakotay looks human again. I was more tired than I imagined, and I slept for over twelve hours, and no one woke me. Of course, as much as I want to help, I think they knew I probably couldn’t take the operation to reattach the Commander’s limbs. 

If it wasn’t for the fact that I was told, I wouldn’t be able to tell that the left arm was any different from the right. He looked so much like he did before, that I feel a smile cross my face as I stated, “Nice Job Doc.” 

It’s about then that Captain Janeway enters and sees Chakotay, still under heavy sedation laying on the biobed. “How is he?”

“The operations to reattach his limbs were successful. Though they may be a bit weak, since in essence the muscles in them have never been used,” replied the Doc. “I’m about to wake him,” he said, suggesting caution, for no one knows how he’ll react. I’m betting he’ll come around swinging. 

I move to the other side, for I want to be there for Chakotay when he wakes up. I can’t really imagine the nightmare he’s been through, but I want him to see I’m alive and that so is he. The Doc administers the medicine the will undue the sedative. 

“He should come around in a few…”

Chakotay’s eyes snap awake immediately. They look lost and unfocused. The Doc moves in and leans over so Chakotay can see him, and scans his condition. We all jump, that is, me, the Captain, and even Seven, when Chakotay reaches up with his left hand and grabs the Doc around the throat. Thankfully he’s a hologram or he’d be choking by now. 

Then Chakotay sits up using his torso muscles; his eyes focused on the Doctor, never loosening his grip. He then looks around, but not really seeing, it was more like he was trying to comprehend his situation. Then he looked back at the Doc and his first words iced my soul. 

“You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.” 

Seven stepped up. “Configure. Identify.” 

Chakotay turned to look at her. I could see that he was actually seeing her this time. Then he spoke again with that cool monotone voice that sent a frozen shockwave through me. “Configure Q-Alpha Beta One. Identity, Four of Six. Configure, Identify,” he said to Seven. 

She did and then ordered him to release the Doc, but Chakotay stated, “Authorization denied.” 

I couldn’t take much more of this. This was Chakotay, not some Borg drone. This just can’t be. I reach out and touch his right arm, “Chakotay, stop this!” 

I don’t think anyone was expecting him to jump like he did. But when I touched him he looked at me with a glare as he jumped away from me. At the same time he did release the Doc. Then he continued to stare at me as if he’d never seen me before or anyone like me. 

“Cha?” I said softly and reach out again. To my surprise he moves away from me, but continues to stare at me. 

“Access code,” Chakotay stated.

“What are you talking about? Chakotay, it’s me Tom. Your home, back on Voyager, don’t you understand this?” I feel tears stinging my eyes as I stare into his and see…emptiness. 

“You are Commander Chakotay of the USS Voyager. Do you comply?” Seven asked. 

Chakotay looks at her as if she isn’t making sense, though I get that from the empty look in his eyes, nothing more. 

“Chakotay?” Janeway said as she steps closer to him. 

Chakotay turns to the sound of the voice and stares at her. First blankly, then stated, “Access code.” 

“Chakotay, it’s me. Kathryn. Kathryn Janeway, don’t you remember?” 

I wanted to said if he didn’t remember me, he won’t remember you, but then something in his manner changes. I’m not sure what it is, but I’m not sure if I like it. 

“Kathryn?” 

She smiled, “Yes, Chakotay, it’s me, Kathryn.” She steps closer and reaches a hand out and caresses his cheek. It’s the first time in years that I ever felt jealous. Not because she touched him, but because he reached up and took her hand and held it. What made her so damn special?

“Kathryn? Kathryn, what…where…?” he looked around, his eyes starting to show some life again, but they still seemed too empty for me. But that could be for he never really looked at me, as if I didn’t exist to him anymore. 

“Its okay, Chakotay,” she said. “You were taken by the Borg, but we have you back, You’re going to be alright,” she smiled. 

“Borg?” then he squeezes his eyes closed, “my head hurts,” he said softly. 

“I think you have had more than enough for today, Commander,” The Doc replied as he gives Chakotay something for the pain and help him rest. 

“Something’s wrong,” I said. 

“He’s got a long road to recovery, Tom. We can’t really expect him to bounce back like it didn’t happen,” The Captain replied. 

I nod that I understand, but inside I feel that it’s more than that. But since it’s just a feeling, and I’m not really sure if my jealousy has a part to play in it. I mean, I pictured him at least smiling at me, acknowledging me, something…for me! But then I feel pretty shallow and do my best to let it go. When the Doc stated he’s going to keep Chakotay in Sickbay for a few days for observation and tests, I know my days at the only place that felt like home in this damn quadrant is numbered. I said my good nights, since I don’t have to wait for any shift to end, I’m still on extended medical leave, and head back to Chakotay’s quarters to get at least one more good nights rest. 

When I get there I use his shower and I’ve brought some clothes with me so I can change. I also bring a wet cloth and a towel with me, since I know how I’ll feel being in his bed again. This time as I lay down to rest, I can’t forget how empty his eyes looked, even after he recognized the Captain. It still felt like something was missing, something small perhaps, but what ever it is, it makes a difference. 

After being overwhelmed by Chakotay’s scent, still strong in his bed, and releasing the sexual tension I felt, I lay here close to sleep, but I’m haunted still by Chakotay’s empty eyes. My mind starts to go over the reports of the rescue operation that I’ve over heard, and it could just be me, but I think we got really lucky. The last time we engaged the Queen, we lost three men, to death, thank goodness…well you know what I mean. This time, we didn’t lose anyone, but as B’Elanna would said, it was just good timing on our behalf. 

I try to change the subject by thinking of my own schedule. I have physical therapy, and a counseling session with Tuvok, better him than the Doc, and then it’s off to the holo deck to run more SIMM’s. I’m determined to prove to the Captain that I can still fly, even from this chair. I mean, really, I don’t use my legs anyway; I don’t see why it should matter?

“One step at a time,” I said to myself. Then I chuckle at how stupid that sounds coming from me. But it is good advice. We got Chakotay back, and with time I know I’ll be able to reach him, maybe even…no I won’t go there, it’ll hurt to much if he…no. One day at a time sounds much better. 

*****End of Part 5*****

The last two days have been hell! Every time I run into Chakotay he stares at me like he’s never seen me before and then said, “Access code.” He’s said it so often that I want to strangle him! But what makes it worse is that for everyone else he’s more like his old self, though his eye still look empty to me. 

With rest and lots of support from the Captain and the medical team, Chakotay is up and walking slow with a cane, but that won’t last long. I think he’s handling the situation way too well if you ask me, but then no one has. So I spoke up anyway, and of course got politely ignored. GRRRRRR! I feel it in my gut, something’s not right, I just can’t put my finger on it. 

So, with time on my hands, and knowing Chakotay will be returning to his quarters this evening, I’m made a point to clean up his room and, I confess, I’ve taken some of his recordings. He even had a few holo recordings in there, which I took for I wanted to see them. I do feel a bit guilty about it, but…somehow I can’t get over the feeling he won’t even notice. 

He smiled a bit, but over all he acts just like Seven did in the beginning, after a few human lessons. His eyes still look so damn empty, even when he smiled. I know I’m torturing myself, but I find I don’t like this new Chakotay. Of course that makes me feel guilty as hell, for I shouldn’t hold it against him for what happened to him. Shit! It was my fault! I mean if I kept a handle on my libido none of this would have happened. 

Well, I don’t think anyone will know I’ve been here, so I take my ill-gotten booty and head out to the holo deck. When I get there instead of another damn SIMM I look through the holo rods and place in the one he last made, which was during my exile. I run the recording and to my surprise my surroundings turn into a recording studio, a music recording studio. There is a band, music engineers, the works. And staring in the center is ‘my’ Chakotay.

I think about that a moment and I realize that I will always think of this man, the one I was just getting to know, somehow always known, as the man I loved, and mine. I watch him smile and laugh with such ease. He glows as he collaborates on making the last minutes changes to what they were about to record. He places the head set to his right ear as they start to play. I’ve never been in an old fashion music studio, so I don’t know why he does it, but he looks so transformed. He is no longer the stoic Commander, but an artist about to wield his craft. He sings:

There’s a state of grace that happens every day  
It’s a feeling I though lost or locked away  
Another question to an answer that I know  
Oh, are you coming home, coming home for sure  
I’d walk a thousand miles, just to hear you calling out my name.

Kiss me softly. Kiss me slowly  
I get lost in you. Like only lover’s do.  
Hold me closer. Love me tender.  
I get swept away. Like only lover’s do.

You’ve awaken something deep inside my soul  
And every moment every breath I feel it more  
Your hidden treasure that you keep down deep inside  
We make love freely as we watch the new sunrise  
I’d live a thousand lives if everyone I lived could be with you…

Kiss me softly. Kiss me slowly  
I get lost in you. Like only lovers do.  
Hold me closer. Love me tender.  
I get swept away. Like only lover’s do.

I’d live a thousand lives if everyone I lived could be with you…

Kiss me softly. Kiss me slowly  
I get lost in you. Like only lovers do.  
Hold me closer. Love me tender.  
I get swept away. Like only lover’s do.

Kiss me softly. Kiss me slowly  
I get lost in you. Like only lovers do.  
Hold me closer. Love me tender.  
I get swept away. Like only lover’s do.

Only lover’s, only lover’s, only lover’s do  
Only lover’s, only lover’s, only lover’s do  
Only lover’s, only lover’s, only lover’s do   
Only lover’s, only lover’s, only lover’s do

 

As I watch him sing, and see the passion in him pour out into the words he sings, I finally figure out what is wrong, what was missing from the Chakotay that was in Sickbay. Somehow that Bitch Queen had managed to strip away apart of his soul! It’s so clear and bright as I look into his dark eyes shine as he expresses himself. 

Watching him, I feel tears sting my own eyes, for I feel the loss more intently than I did when I thought he was dead. Though it was only for a few hours, when the Doc said we could retrieve him and fix him, I…I guess I stopped thinking of him lost…but now? 

I play the clip again and let my tears flow. I feel that somehow I must have done something really wrong, if not in this life than the last one, for there had to be a reason as to why my life sucked so much! Just one damn thing after another!

First that damn accident that started all this shit! Then the Maquis, but then that’s how I met Chakotay and first fell in love with him, even if he couldn’t stand me. Then soon followed prison, but that led to me being on Voyager and meeting up with Chakotay and getting a second chance out here in the Delta quadrant. Or so I thought, because then the damn Jonas thing, but it got me in good with the Captain. But prior to that I did save Chakotay’s life and I think that kept him from killing me. Just one thing after another and up to now I thought there was some reason, even a small one…but this? What could possibly be served by striping a good man of his soul? 

This entire line of thinking got me worked up, so I ended the holo recording and slipped it into the pocket on the side of my damn chair. I headed out, not sure were I would go and found myself moving into the mess hall. It took all my self-control to ignore Jennings stupid crippled fag comments. What I didn’t expect was to hear the sound of fist to jaw…for that is a very distinct sound. When I turned around to see, it came as an even bigger surprise to see that it was Dalby of all people that decked Jennings and good! 

He gave me a guilty look, and at that moment I felt he deserved to feel that way. Shit! I would have traded places with Cha; I’d do it now! I turn away; I didn’t feel like being reasonable. Sure I understand that he and two others were feeling angry at what happen, and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But he did let me have a chance to defend myself, stating that I deserved to get my ass kicked, but he’d give me the respect of defending myself out of respect for Chakotay. It was not really a fair fight, but it was hand to hand and Dalby did stay out of it when the other two came at me, so in his way it was sort of fair. Then when I succeeded in kicking ‘their’ ass’ he came at me. I never knew how strong he was or how quick, but it was just him and me, and when the other two were about to join him, he did tell them to stay out of it, shouting they had their shot. I sweep kicked him, he rolled and as I approached he double kicked me and I went flying into the crates…end of story. 

GRRRRRR, I don’t want to sit here and be fucking REASONABLE! They should have left me alone in the first place! I get so angry that I toss my tray down on the grown, deciding to hell with eating. But then Dalby picks it up for me and starts to hand it to me, and I flip! 

“GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!” I shout, grabbing the nearest thing, which was silverware and I started hailing it down at Dalby. “I DON’T NEED YOUR FUCKING PITY! I DON’T NEED YOUR FUCKING HELP,” I continue to shout as a few try to subdue me. I start grabbing handfuls of the food and tossing it at them. They back off, and Dalby continues to seek shelter behind the tray I dropped. 

“LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE! HAVEN’T YOU PEOPLE DONE ENOUGH? I DIDN’T WANT ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO CHAKOTAY,” I shout as tears are flowing freely down my face. “I WANT HIM TO BE ALL RIGHT. I ALSO JUST WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE! SHIT I CAN’T EVEN FLY! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” Lunch wound up on several security members and the Doc when he showed up and sedated me.

*****************

Sleep? Who the hell can sleep? Between the regret and the nightmare that has occurred due to my stubborn stupidity, I can’t find a moment where my mind will leave me alone. The horror of what they did to Chakotay still haunts me, even awake. It only has eased when he looked at me and recognized me, but the vision is still there. 

His progress has been slow. Slower than other’s who have been taken and we recovered, but then except for Seven, he is the only other one who’s been ‘under’ for so long. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, for Chakotay or Tom. Both men have suffered because of me.

Sure, Starfleet regulations are clear, but as Captain, I had the choice, just like I did when I accepted the Maquis as part of my crew. But I closed my eyes and didn’t think twice when it came to punishing Tom for being…himself. I mean the more I think about it, should someone be punished because of his or her gender, race or creed? NO! Then why did I not think twice about punishing Tom for being himself? 

The answer is not a good one. I was simply set in my ways and that they say was that. It took a heavy price to get me to see my error, and I know it is also apart as to why Tom was injured. Since I okayed it that Tom should be punished, the crew thought so too. So in essence I led by example…a poor one at that. 

So I find it hard to pass sentence on the man that finally had the courage to come forward. I mean Tuvok and me had a suspicion that it was former Maquis, and headed by Kevin Dalby, but I never suspected him to confess. It happened the morning after Tom was subdued and taken to Sickbay. According to the EMH, Tom simply had an emotional break down, which he was suspecting to happen any day now. That with the loss of his power to walk, and not able to fly, and the trauma of aiding in Chakotay’s care, has proven too much. 

Well, Kevin came to my ready room and confessed his doings, but won’t say a word on the others that were with him. He stated he was alone, but I know differently, as does Tuvok. He then handed me a PADD and asked me to over look it than stood quietly at attention. That is what he is doing now, waiting for me to pass judgement on him…I feel so wrong for that part. 

“One month in the brig,” I stated firmly. He nods and he moves out with the security team with a quiet dignity I never knew he had, until now. I felt my eyes water, for a moment, he reminded me of Chakotay and all his silent pride and dignity. 

I look over the PADD he gave me and can’t help think that we all are learning a very heavy priced lesson. Just then my door chimes. 

“Enter.”

I look up to see Seven enter in with Chakotay. He’s dressed in a black jumpsuit and still walks slow, but according to the Doctor, he’ll be able to run marathons in a few weeks. He gives me a tiny smile, but he still seems so…off. I start to think about what Tom said, but then I recall he’s been to hell, and it really is a long road back. “Commander?” I smile warmly and stand up to meet him part of the way. 

“Please, sit,” he said softly. “I just wanted to spend time with you if that is all right?” 

“Of course,” I smiled. Then I look at Seven. She nods and without a word exits. 

“Please, have a seat,” I said. 

“Do you mind if I use the chair, the sofa is still too difficult for me to manage,” he stated, much like Seven would, with just a touch of Chakotay added in for spice. 

“Of course,” I said and step aside as he moved and sits in my chair behind the desk. I see him relax. He then looks at me, and I know what he’s going to said…it happens once an awhile. His eyes will become empty and he’ll stare, then…

“Access code.”

“Chakotay?” I said softly and touch him lightly on his right arm. This seems to snap him out of what ever is going on in his head. 

I watch him blink back to me and then give a tiny smile, his way of apologizing. I tell him not to worry. “Are you thirsty?”

“No.”

I move to get myself an Irish coffee…a real one. It just arrives when my door chimes again. “Enter.”

Timing couldn’t be worse. Tom comes rolling in, for I did tell the Doc I wanted to see him when he was released this morning. Just that I know that for some reason he and Chakotay are like oil and water. He’s barley in the door when Chakotay gets that damn look and stands up and moves toward Tom. I only get it once and awhile; Tom gets it all the time. Why? I don’t have a clue. 

“Access code.” Chakotay stated as he moves toward Tom.

I see Tom freeze in his place and stares up at Chakotay, half-surprised to see him here and half-angry. "I DON’T KNOW YOU FUCKING ACCESS CODE!” He shouted at the top of his lungs. 

“Tom!” I said, for that kind of language and tone was not appropriate, even if justified. 

“Access code.” Chakotay stated again, this time he’s up on Tom and in his space. I move, but it’s not quite fast enough, for Chakotay has reached out with his left hand and lifts Tom up by his shirt.

“Access code.”

“Put him down!” I shout as I try to get Tom free. Damn! I’m going to have to talk with the Doc about the strength in that arm. 

“What fucking access code?” Tom said, tears falling down his face, but not from fear. I can’t really read him, but he doesn’t seem afraid, not like I know I do. 

“Access code.”

Tom started shouting numbers, after so many, Chakotay only stated denied and then asks him again. I’ve called for security and the Doctor. So far Tom is all right, but I don’t know for how long. “Chakotay! He’s not Borg, leave him alone,” I said again, trying to get him to release Tom.

“Access code.”

Tom looks defeated in some way, and then he looks up, as if he’s got one last thing to try. “Zero-four-twenty-five,” he stated softly. 

I see Chakotay freeze, the quick denied not following. Then as Security and the Doc enter I see him release Tom. The Doc moves up and gives Chakotay a heavy sedative. Just before he passes out he stated, “Access granted…”

 

******END OF PART 6*********

The crew is falling apart. I’m not sure they can take much more, I know I can’t. But I also know that things haven’t hit rock bottom yet, but that’s only a matter of time. I thought things would start to get better when we got Chakotay back from the Borg, but that was not quite the case. He kept acting strange around Tom, demanding some access code. Well, he finally got it, turns out to have been his door code. Why or How, I don’t have a clue. But ever since he got it, he’s been in a coma. 

That’s been over six days as of today. Then to make matters worse, having been requested to give Tom Paris a shot at flying again, I sat through a SIMM with him. As far as the regular flying was concerned, there was no difference to his performance. However, when I slipped in the heavy duty combat scenario and Tom was thrown from his seat, and didn’t get back up in time, I saw the light in him burn out as the Simulation ended, with us all dead…no pilot at the helm. 

Tom’s depression is far from the only case on board. From witnessing the horror of Chakotay’s assimilation to word getting out that he tried to attack Tom, which I’ve tried to squash it with the truth but no one is listening, to Chakotay being in the coma, and to top it all off with, running from the Borg. Ever since we took Chakotay back, that bitch has been trying to hunt us down. So far we’ve managed to avoid her, but the stress is killing my crew and I don’t know what to do about it. 

Then when all seemed lost, a spark of hope comes from the most unsuspecting of people. It’s that little bit of hope that has me sitting here on the holo deck, waiting for Tom along with B’Elanna. 

When he arrives he looks a bit shaggy, but since he’s not on duty, I can’t blame him. I also see the depression in his eyes, even as he tries to give a good show, perhaps by the time were done here, that depression will be gone…so I’m praying anyway. 

“What can I do for you, Captain?” Tom asks, with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. 

“We’ve made some modification to the helm and we would like you to test them,” I said calmly. 

“I don’t see why Betaheart can’t do it?” he replied. 

“I’m not asking him, I’m asking you, Tom,” I said in my, don’t give me any shit and just do it tone. Seeing him move his chair toward the helm, I’m glad it still works on him. I see him reach the helm and he notices the change. 

“What’s this?”

“What does it look like?” B’Elanna quips as she moves forward to instruct Tom on the modification. 

“A chair with arms,” Tom stated flatly. 

“Not just any chair, Flyboy, you’re chair. It’s been redesigned to keep you in it, safe and secure. So…Give it a try?”

I was glad that Tom decided not to balk and transferred himself from his chair to the new one. B’Elanna should him how he could secure the wheelchair so it too wouldn’t become a problem. 

The look on Tom’s face when he placed the arms up, for they could be up for his or anyone’s use, or slid down for others or make Tom’s transfer easier, was priceless. You see, when the arms are in place there not only is a seat belt, but a small force field to keep the pilot in place, around the waist. 

After giving him a moment to get comfortable, the simulation began. It was good to see him smile, even if it was only a little bit. I could tell he wasn’t too sure if this was going to change things, but I was! I secretly encoded the second part of the simulation. 

The shipped rocked, balked, and volleyed all over the place and Tom stayed in his seat and kept control of the helm…phase one was a success. Part two would come as a surprise to Tom, but the safeties were on, and even B’Elanna didn’t know about this part, since she didn’t do all the work on the chair. 

I hit a button on my chair and soon another round of damage racked the false bridge, and then as I programmed it, the helm exploded. To Tom’s and B’Elanna’s surprise, the safeties didn’t kick in, for they didn’t have too. See, since Tom can’t get out of the chair either, he needs to be safe, so the designer added a sensor field that would automatically throw up a force field around the pilot to protect them. Personally, if this worked, and when we had the resources, all stations were going to get them…it was brilliant. It didn’t depend on the ship’s energy for it maintained itself in the arm of the chair on a portable self-regenerating battery. 

“End simulation,” I said with glee. 

When the situation had cleared itself, both Tom and B’Elanna were staring between me and the force field that surrounded Tom. 

“Whoa!” B’Elanna said as she moved up and checked it out. 

Tom reached forward and realized that he could move passed it. It was to keep things from getting in, not out. “You…you could have warned me,” he said a bit shaken.

“I apologize, Tom. But I wanted to see how you reacted as well as test the devise. I’m glad to say you both passed with flying colors,” I grin.

I let Tom and B’Elanna get lost in a bit of technical discussion as I finalize a few of my reports. “By the way, Lieutenant, I thought you should know that this chair will be fully functional and installed by 0800 tomorrow.”

I could see Tom wonder why he should care while at the same time held his breath in hopes. “That’s good to hear, Captain.”

“I’m glad you approve,” I said as I make my way to exit the holodeck, “for you’re to report for light duty, starting tomorrow at 0900,” I said in all calmness, then I stop and turn, not just to see if Tom is happy, which by the 200 watt bulb in his eyes was any indication he was, “Oh, and Lieutenant?”

“Yes, Captain?” He asked, turning cartwheels in his soul. 

“The grunge look is out. Try a uniform,” I smile and leave, things were finally starting to look up. 

“Wow, that was really terrific, but you could have warned me or something,” Tom tossed at B’Elanna as she was going over the design again.

“Hey, Flyboy. For your information, I didn’t build the thing; I just over saw its installation. Several others built it. I didn’t even know it had that feature in it, which of course is a damn good one,” she marveled. 

“You telling me you didn’t design this?” Tom asks in disbelief. 

“As unbelievable as it is, no I didn’t,” she replied. 

“Harry?” Tom asks in wonder.

“He worked on it, but he didn’t design it,” she replied as she took some last minute notes from her scans. Then she looked up at Tom. “I’m glad we finally have a way to get you back behind the helm, Flyboy,” she grinned. 

“Me too,” Smiled Tom, one that light him up inside. “So, who do I owe my thanks too?”

 

***************

Tom sat there in silence for a moment, as he looked at the man responsible for getting him back on the bridge. He was filled with mixed feelings, for one, it was Kevin Dalby that lead to his accident in the first place, and to some degree he admitted, he was angry with the guy. To discover that Dalby of all people came up with the design, touched him as well as irked him, for if Dalby didn’t head that stupid fight…but that was the past. 

“I guess I owe you a bit of thanks,” Tom stated, startling the man that lay resting in the brig.

Kevin sat up and stared at Tom. “I take it, it worked?” he asked, containing a small smile. 

Tom allowed his to flow, “Yes, it worked great. I can return for light duty starting tomorrow. Flying means a lot to me…”

“I know that, Tom,” Kevin said as he looked away feeling guilty. “I’m only sorry it can’t make up for what I took from you.” 

Tom couldn’t believe it, Kevin ‘tough guy’ Dalby was crying? “It was an accident, Ken,” Tom replied, trying to ease the man’s guilt.

To Tom’s surprise, Ken laughed, “That is so like you.” Ken then looked up, a few tears falling down his face. “I’ve learned a lot over the past few weeks, things that if I had had the courage to admit and see in the first place, all of this could have been avoided. One of them is that you always put the feelings and safety of the crew before your own, Tom.”

“But, Ken…it was an…”

“Accident? I jumped you, because I wanted to blame you for so many things and what happened to Chakotay. I didn’t care about his wishes, or you, just releasing my anger. You paid the price for ‘my’ stupidity, Tom, and that was no accident, even if the result was.”

Tom moved closer to the force field and kept his voice soft, “What kind of things, Ken? Why were you so angry at me?”

Ken gave a regretful laugh; “Because you were able to accept that which I couldn’t and I…I was angry and jealous of you for that.”

Tom looked puzzled, “Angry and jealous…over what, Ken?”

Kevin remained silent for several minutes, his eyes turned down, before he finally spoke, “Because you were able to accept who you were, and I was raised to hate that sort of thing, even if it was inside of me,” he said in a whisper.

It took Tom a few moments for it to process, “Are you saying that…?”

“Ah, for crying out loud, Tom,” Kevin stated as he stood up and paced his cell, “You think you’re the only gay person on Voyager?”

The confession somehow gave Tom a sense of relief, and another sense of understanding of the man called Kevin Dalby. “No, but I’m glad to know it instead of only guessing it.”

Just then Greg Alaya walked up to Tom. “Times up, buddy. Captain has limited visitations,” he replied warmly. 

“Okay,” Tom said and watched the older man move back to his station. “Ken? Could I…can we…be friends?”

Kevin stopped and looked at Tom, seeing the sincerity in the pilot’s eyes, moved a part of him he thought long dead. “I’d…I’d like that, that is…if you can forgive me?”

Tom smiled, “Like I said, Ken. It was an accident, so there’s nothing to forgive…not anymore.” With that, Tom headed out of the brig, to share his day with the man he loved, even if it was only his shell.

 

*****************

When Tom entered into sickbay, he was surprised to see the Captain and the Doc standing quietly, watching Tuvok. Tom could tell that for some reason, they had decided to let the Vulcan try a mind meld. Tom moved up quietly next to the Captain and waited to see the results. 

Tom could see that there was signs of stress on the Vulcan’s face, as well as what could be classified as confusion. Then after ten minutes it looked like Tuvok was forced to break the link. He snapped back, looking dizzy, as the Doc moved up next to him, scanning his vitals. 

“What happened?” Janeway asked. 

“Having never done a mind meld with the Commander, I am unsure if what I experienced is his own doing or that of the neuronet, but his mind is most…fascinating.”

“In what manner?” The EMH asked, now sure that Tuvok would be all right. 

“The best way to describe it would be to compare the Commander’s mind to that of a large, vast labyrinth. There are many pathways, and at first look, seems very much like a cavernous maze. What makes it more a labyrinth is that it is not one dimensional, but multi-dimensional. That is most unusual in humans.”

“Explain,” Janeway stated.

“Where in a typical maze, one would attempt to figure out if they should go either right or left to find their way out or to the center. The labyrinth has false walls, tunnels underneath, false passages, and illusions covering others, and all directions are possible…quite fascinating,” Tuvok stated, with a raised brow, looking as close to impressed as he can get. 

“Could Borg be that…creative?” Tom asks. 

“It is not likely, for during my travels I did spot what would be considered Borg programming. It seemed to be searching the area, similar to myself, but they could only move along the one dimensional pathways,” Replied Tuvok.

“How did you discover that it was more than one dimensional?” the EMH asked out of curiosity.

“I found myself in a situation, being faced down by the Borg programming when all of a sudden the floor opened up beneath me. Then I was pulled, as if from behind through some false walls and then left alone. I got the distinct impression that it was the Commander, but as to why he would continue to hide from me is unknown, only that I do know he is in there.”

Tom couldn’t help but smile. He was getting to return to duty and now Tuvok has let him know that Chakotay was not lost to them. It would only be a matter of getting him to wake up. “So, can you get him out of his coma?” 

“That I am unsure of. I did not have the proper time or access to discover the cause of the Commander’s condition. If you would prefer…”

“No, Commander. You have had enough of mind melding for today,” the EMH stated firmly. “Perhaps tomorrow.” 

“Thank you, Tuvok. At least we now know he is in there,” Janeway stated, reflecting Tom’s thoughts. She then gives the security officer a nod and lets him leave. She turns to the EMH, “let me know if there is any change,” she said coolly.

Tom watches the Captain leave, and can see the pain in her eyes. He turns back to the Doc who is rechecking Chakotay’s condition again. 

“Came to keep him company again?” the Doc stated. 

“If you don’t mind?” Tom replied, knowing he’d stay regardless, but it was always easier if the Doc cooperated. 

“No, perhaps it may help,” the holo Doc stated, a look of self-reproach for not being able to help the Commander. “Just make sure to get some rest yourself,” he adds and then leaves. 

Tom moves closer to Chakotay, looks around and is glad they are alone. He reaches out and caresses the Commander’s cheek, then strokes his dark hair. “I miss you,” Tom whispered. Then he leans down and places a soft kiss on Chakotay’s lips. “I know you’re in there,” he stated, wishing he had the magical key to release his love from his current prison. 

After a few minutes of no change, Tom calls to the computer to play a personal selection, which he has made from the data rods he got from Chakotay’s quarters. They are songs the Commander had recorded, and Tom loved them all. Listening to them, sitting near Chakotay, made him feel closer to the older man, and again he wished he could openly show Chakotay how much he loved him.

“Damn it, Chakotay! You’re being selfish! We need you! I need you!” Tom cried, but not too loudly for he didn’t want anyone but Chakotay to hear him. Between the music and seeing Chakotay not respond, Tom found himself in tears once more. //You think after these last few days I’d be all out, // he thinks to himself as he wipes them away. He then lays his head down on Chakotay’s chest to rest and be close to him. He didn’t expect to fall asleep from his emotional exhaustion. He didn’t take notice to the strong hand that caressed his hair as he slept. 

 

********END OF PART 7*********

I’m not sure what woke me up, for when I did come around, it was still quiet in sickbay, and Chakotay’s condition hasn’t changed, none the less, I was glad I awoke, for just then the Doc entered in to tell me to go back to my quarters and rest. It wouldn’t have been a good idea for him to catch me snoozing with my head on Chakotay’s chest. I nod yes and head back to Chakotay’s quarters my home away from my quarters. It’s the only place I feel welcomed, and the fact that no one knows I’m there adds to the safe feeling it gives me. 

I’ve kept my stuff to a minimum, for I know that once Chakotay is up and about again, I’ll have to leave…since he didn’t really invite me in the first place. After getting ready for bed, I lie in his bed and let the stillness surround me; it’s then that I get that feeling again. The one that tells me something is out of place. It really hasn’t gone away, but it comes back in waves, and right now It’s very strong, something bad is going to happen, and Chakotay is involved. I just wish I knew what it was, for after all he’s done for me, I want to at least protect him if I can’t love him. 

I make myself comfortable as I can and I try to sleep, I’m excited and nervous, for I get to return to duty tomorrow. Had that accident during the simulation not occurred, I’d be full of confidence, but it did and the crew died for I couldn’t do my job. But the new design of the chair is suppose to change that…it did on the holo deck, will it really work when it counted? My mind won’t shut up, and normally I’d toss and turn, but that’s out, so I try to focus on Chakotay, he always has had a strong effect on me, either by calming me, or working me into overload. After a few minutes I feel sleep upon me. 

 

************

It feels so good to behind the helm again! The chair seems to be working great and the Captain and those who count are pleased with my performance today. The only thing that made this day better was when the EHM contacted the Captain and informed her that Chakotay was awake and doing well. That’s all he said, and until I get off shift, that’s all I know, but it’s made my day top rate! 

We’re in a section of space that makes it easy for us to keep hidden from the Borg, who is still out there looking for us, so I can easily take note of others on the bridge. It is then that I see the tension and the despair. It occurs to me that I’ve been so full of my own problems and concern over Chakotay that I didn’t notice that I’m not the only one suffering the from what happened to the Commander. 

I let this penetrate my hazed brain and I realize just how much Chakotay is the soul of this ship. He may not have started out that way, but it didn’t take long for others to draw from his limitless source of strength, much like I’ve done. Chakotay has an irresistible charm that draws people to him and with little effort on his part commands peoples’ best and their loyalty. He’s a born leader with a heart of gold, and I realize that to some degree we’ve all fallen in love with him…how could we not? 

Well, since I know it’s my fault that Chakotay has been taken away from them, it’s the least I can do to help bring him back…all the way back. Not just the walking shell, that he’s trapped in, but that spark that is so bright that it has become our beacon of hope out here in the Delta quadrant. It’s amazing that something so small, so tiny that you can’t really measure it can make monumental differences. What ever it is that is missing, I vow this very minute to get it back…for us all.

****************

“How do you feel?” I asked, still feeling guilty that all this has happened because of me.

“I feel…fine,” Chakotay replied, just as he did before, half there, half not. At least he’s stopped that damn one liner about wanting an access code. 

“Do you know what happened?” I asked, risking getting closer to him, not because I’m afraid of him, on the contrary, I’m more afraid that I’ll hug the stuffing out of him. 

I watch him look around, and I can almost see a spark of emotion in his eyes, but it quickly disappears and then he looks at me, “Yes. The Borg captured us, but you got a way, I did not. You managed to get me back to Voyager. I was…assimilated.” Then he tips his head, and looks at me, as if seeing me for the first time, “why are you in that chair?” 

I feel glad that he is seeing me but how do I tell him what happened? But I can’t lie to him, no matter how much easier it would be. “I…was hurt…in an accident.”

He continues to look at me, I can see his mind whirling, as if calculating, processing things. I never noticed this in him before, but then he’s never been so emotionless before. Strange, if you would have asked me months ago, I would have said that Chakotay hardly showed his emotions at all, but now I know better. It was always in his eyes, they are…were so expressive, and I’m glad that I got a chance to see this in him. Now, to get that back. 

“You are not able to walk, are you?” he finally asks.

“Um…no. The damage to my back is not repairable, but that doesn’t keep me from doing my job,” I add with a smile, trying to infuse hope into this conversation. I find I’m feeling strange trying to talk with him. Since he’s come around this morning, he’s been much like he has been the past few days, but to me he seems to be…analyzing me, I don’t know how to explain that. He looks at me as if I’m a new species, but acts the same as he would for anyone else who has come to visit him. Part of me wants to discuss things, but I know he’s not ready, and so for a rare moment in my life I find myself speechless. Then an idea hits me. “Want to go check out the holo deck? I can show you a few programs that were yours; perhaps they will help you in your recovery?” 

Chakotay just nods yes and with a slow precision, he moves off the biobed. He doesn’t use the cane anymore, but he still walks slow and a little awkward. But who can blame him, he is using new equipment, as it were. He doesn’t attempt to push me, like a lot of other people tend to do, he just follows along, silent, and I still feel that vibe that something is off, especially as I look over my shoulder and see that calculation look in his eyes. I really wonder what is going through his mind right now. 

 

****************

Big mistake bringing Chakotay here and playing his old recordings. He looked at it for approximately two minutes and flipped out. He turned and came as close to running out of here as fast as his legs could carry him, shouting, “Access denied!” 

I tried to follow him and ran into B’Elanna who was coming to check on us both. Chakotay bowled her over getting out of here, and didn’t even stop to see if she was okay. 

“What the hell was that all about?” 

“I’m sorry, B’El, are you alright?” I ask, trying to lend her a hand.

“I’m fine, now tell me what’s going on here?” she demands as she stands up.

“I…I was just showing the Commander one of his old recordings, hoping…well…” I find I feel guilty, I didn’t mean to upset him so. 

“Hoping for what? What old recordings? One of his holoprograms?”

“Well, not quite,” I said, feeling even worse, for I don’t think Chakotay has ever shared this part of himself over the years, but I’m not sure. “He…he has some personal ones he made. I thought if he saw them he’d remember more or at least make a better connection to himself.”

“Well, I guess you got a reaction, but I don’t think you should be playing councilor, Tom. Chakotay has always been a complex man, and no one but Seven can imagine what he’s going through right now,” she scolded. 

“That’s just it? He’s …well he’s not going through anything? You would think he’d be upset about what happened, angry? But he’s calm, quiet, and…well…not Chakotay!” I can’t believe I told her, but it’s been bugging me for so long. I know from what Tuvok has told me, he’s in there, somewhere in his mind, but what we have out here…isn’t him, not all of him anyway. 

“Give him a break, he’s…”

“Been through hell…I know! Why won’t anyone listen to me? Chakotay and I may not have always been on the best of terms until as of late, but I’ve always known him…and that’s not him!” I shouted, finally letting the frustration get the best of me. “Tell me you don’t feel it too?” I dared her.

B’Elanna looked at me as if she was going to snap at me, but after a minute she realized I was right and conceded. “Okay, you’re right. But then we don’t know what it’s like to have yourself stripped away and then try to return to it, now do we? For all we know, this may be it,” she growled her own pain showing. 

I knew what she was saying, but I couldn’t accept it, “No! He’s in there, we just have to help him make his way back!” 

“Tom…” she said her tone now more sympathetic, I can see she’s finally figured out part of what I’m going through. “It’s not your fault. You can’t be blaming yourself for what happened. None of us knew the Borg was in the area until it was too late.”

“But if I hadn’t been left behind, or chose the brig…”

“Stop it! Chakotay didn’t blame you for what happened in the first place, he wouldn’t blame you for this. If for no other reason, for his sake, let it go, Tom. Let it go.”

“I can’t,” I said softly between tears. I feel ashamed to have lost it again emotionally like this, but I feel her arms wrap around me and for the first time in a long time, I feel the caring of a real friend around be. “Thank you.” 

She looks at me, a moment of her own vulnerability showing, then she gets the same cocky grin I have to cover my feelings up, “don’t mention it, flyboy. Now…lets see what we can do to help Chakotay get back in the swing of things…yes?”

“You’re on,” I smiled. “But first, I have another friend I have to look in on.”

“Okay. I’ll check up on the Commander and meet you…mess hall?”

“You got it.” I watch her move off and I go to visit Ken. Strange, but right now I think he’s the only one who I can relate too, even if we aren’t friends, but I have a feeling that’s going to change now.

****************

As I enter the brig, I first notice that Greg isn’t at his post then I hear conversation coming from the cell area. I move my way closer and I overhear Greg and Ken talking and for some reason I decide to remain quiet and listen.

“Come on, Ken. You’ve kept me out all these years, now I know why?”

“Yeah, now you know why,” Ken replied, his tone defeated as well as reserved, as if waiting for Greg to say something negative. 

I move closer, just enough so I can see into the cell, for I don’t want to interrupt them, but I want to be there should Ken need me. I see Greg take a few steps closer to Ken who is sitting on the bench, looking depressed, and apprehensive. 

“You’ve gone out of your way to keep people at bay, even then I’ve tried to be your friend, but you wouldn’t give me a chance, but now I want that chance…please, Ken?”

I see Ken look up, a rare look of vulnerability on his face. I never thought I’d live to see the day that I’d relate to Ken Dalby of all people, but at this moment I do. I know what it’s like to feel so much inside and do everything you can to keep people from knowing the truth inside. I also know the need to be accepted for who one is and the fear of rejection, and from Ken’s look, he’s as tired as I have been…he doesn’t want to hide anymore. 

“Greg…I…” Ken falters in his words. 

Greg moves to Ken and with gentle yet firm hands; he grabs Ken and pulls him up so the two of them are looking eye to eye. Then to my surprise and Ken’s Greg kisses him, deep and lovingly. After the initial shock wears off, Ken is quickly responding and returning the kiss. Then seeing where this kiss is leading to, I discretely leave the two new lovers alone, feeling happy that they found each other, and jealous, as well and sad. I too found my love, but would I be able to love him again? 

Once out in the hall, I’m glad that no one is there for I don’t think I could contain my emotions at the moment. I seem to be one big raw nerve, crying at the drop of a hat, as the saying goes. I then decide to cancel my meeting with B’Elanna, for I can’t face Chakotay again today, not without either crying again, or getting angry. I feel tired, inside and out, and decide to call it an early day. Tomorrow I have another short shift, and with some rest I think I’ll be able to take on the mountain known as Chakotay. 

 

*****************

I should have said no, but at the moment I can’t deny him anything, even if it is for his own good. When Chakotay came into my ready room and asked to work with me on the bridge, I was ready to quote the regulations, but then that’s how I got these good people in this mess in the first place. Instead I asked him why?

“I need…to work. I need to focus…to work…Please Kathryn?” 

It was the please Kathryn that got to me. I always knew the Commander was the type to throw himself into his work when things got rough emotionally. This was probably as rough as it was going to get, and not having a regular councilor on board, it was going to be even more difficult for him. I had discussed with the Doctor and Tuvok of a course of action to take with Chakotay and they said lots of rest and counseling sessions with both of them. I agreed, for I think it will take both perspectives and different approaches to help Chakotay. But I also understand the need to have some sense of normalcy in one’s life. Sadly, all he’s had over the last few years is his work. 

“Okay, but a short shift and with me, will that be okay?” The sense of relief I see makes me feel that I’ve made the right decision, I sure hope so. 

“Can I start now?” 

Part of me is still not too thrilled about having him work, but I made my decision, and he did seem eager. “Very well, Commander,” I smiled and move with him to the bridge. The looks everyone gives him is warm, welcoming, as well as hesitant. I can’t blame them, for he has a long way to go before getting back to the man we all know and love, and he still moves slow, like a Borg. //Time, Kathryn// I remind myself, and watch him take his seat, relaxing in it, as if he knows he belongs in it…he does. 

I let him work with me for the next three hours and I’m amazed at how fast he’s adjusted himself back into his job. He’s up on all the reports and information and I can’t believe it, that I have to stare at him as he’s doing his job. It is then that I notice that the data is moving way too fast for me to read. “What are you doing?” I ask softly, not trying to bring any attention to us.

He looks up at me flatly, “downloading the current data to my memory,” he stated. 

This sends a chill down my spine. Reading, scanning it, something that sounded human would have been fine, but down loading? It made him sound like a damn computer. “What do you mean…down loading?” 

“Placing it to memory,” he stated flatly as if what he’s saying is perfectly normal. 

“Can you really…read all that, that fast?”

“Yes.” 

I decide to let the matter drop. I know for sure that the Doctor and I have to have a very long in detailed conversation about Commander Chakotay. I sit back and let the last hour of the shift play out, keeping an eye on him. He does what he normally does, keeping me informed of things, and keeping a watchful eye. On one level he seems more himself, yet I can’t help but feel creeped out…but again, this wouldn’t have happened if not for me, so I tell myself to deal with it, and let it drop all together. 

I’m about to let Chakotay go home when Tom enters the bridge, for it’s his turn for a short shift. For a moment if feels good to see them both here on the bridge with me, even under the circumstances. He gives me a smile, and I can see the surprised look in his eyes at seeing Chakotay sitting in his Command chair. 

Not a word is spoken as Tom and Betaheart change shifts, and Tom takes the helm. I sit back a while and just let the moment sink in, that they’re back. Then I realize that Chakotay has been here four hours and Tom is just beginning his four, so I turn to the Commander, “Okay, it’s been half the shift. Why don’t you go rest and I’ll see you in the morning…for breakfast before the briefing?”

He turns to me, “Not yet, if you please.” 

Okay, I let him stay for four hours, but I have to draw the line somewhere, “Commander. I granted you a short shift. I’ll rescind that if you can’t follow our agreement,” I said, letting him know that I’ll do what is needed. 

“I understand, Captain,” he said, but made no move to leave. 

The shipped rocked violently! 

“Red alert!” I shout.

“Captain, the Borg!” Harry shouted from his station.

“Evasive maneuvers!” I cried out.

“Captain, security fields are engaging all over the ship,” Tuvok stated. “The crew are being locked down.” 

“Captain, engines are shutting down!” Tom shouted as he turns to look at me, knowing that we’re quickly becoming dead in space. 

“Shields…”

“They are engaged in all sections but the bridge,” Tuvok replied. 

“Target ship…”

“Weapons offline,” Tom added.

“We’re being hailed,” Harry stated. 

I look at the screen, I’m not surprised to see her, and that smirk…I’m going to knock it off her face so help me. 

“Ah, Captain, so good of you to be punctual,” she smiled coldly. 

“Computer activate auto destruct sequence…” there is a sudden sharp pain in my head and find I’m falling to the ground. I look up to see Chakotay standing over me, his eyes cold and calculated. 

“You will be assimilated, resistance if futile,” he stated.

“Chakotay?”

“Cha! No!” Tom shouted from his chair. 

“Ah, Captain, you didn’t really think I’d let you get him back so easily…did you?” she laughed. “No, I released him to you. He was programmed to entrap you, to be in what your human text refers to as your Judas, and he had done well, don’t you think?” Just then the bridge is crawling with Borg drones. “Resist and I’ll make them suffer, Captain,” she snaps. 

I see some of the crew try and resist, but they are shot, stunned by the Commander, where he got the phaser, I don’t know. I try to jump him, my anger at being betrayed blinds me, for he’s always been stronger then me, now even more so with his mechanical arm. He knocks me aside like a fly. He stuns the rest of the crew or the drones do. I can’t believe that Chakotay will be the key to our demise.

From the floor I hear the Queen growl, for some reason this pleases me. I look up, and see her actually shouting orders to find away to penetrate the rest of the ship. Good, B’Elanna must be on top of things. Then I see Chakotay taking an unconscious Tom and placing him over his shoulder. It’s the last thing I remember before being stunned into unconsciousness. 

 

******END OF PART 8******

I start to come around and I feel the fear in the air. I open my eyes and the first face I see is Tuvok’s, apparently I’m using his lap for a pillow. I look around and see that we are in a cell, and after a quick mental count, I note it is the entire bridge crew, short Chakotay. I start to sit up, and Tuvok gives me a hand. “What’s happening?” I asked, wanting to know whom I’ve lost and what games that bitch is playing.

“So far, we have been kept in this cell, and no attempt to assimilate any of us has occurred. Beyond that, I have no information to draw any conclusions on,” Tuvok replied. 

I move to stand and I see Tom sitting in the far corner, and he is withdrawn like many of the others here, awaiting the horrid fate of being turned into a drone. I turn back to Tuvok, “have they gotten the rest of the ship?”

“Not that I can tell, for though there has been a lot of activity, no one else has been brought here, nor have I seen anyone being…assimilated.” 

For a moment it gives me some relief that my crew is resisting, and I hope they can get away, or at least set the destruct mechanism, for I don’t’ wish this fate on anyone. I then see the Bitch standing at the cell doorway. I move slowly toward her, and I hesitate, seeing Chakotay standing next to her. He is still dressed in the black jumpsuit we have provided for him, but he stares passed me like another drone. 

“I waited for you to awake, Captain. For I want you to witness what I am going to do to your crew, one at a time. I presume in no time that you will beg me to place you out of your misery, but I warned you, if you resisted, I’d make them and you suffer, and so I will,” she said coldly. 

“Murdering bitch!” I snapped, not knowing what else I can possibly say at the moment. 

“You can make it easier on them, Captain. Order the rest of your crew to surrender, resistance is futile.”

I grin, my crew is keeping her at bay, and it fills me with pride, “Go to hell!” 

“I believe you will be there long before I,” she grinned. She then turned to Chakotay, “Assimilate,” she ordered. 

Seven other Borgs moved toward the cell, and then they moved inside, keeping us all at bay, or holding us, if we tried to resist. I watched Chakotay move in and walk past all the others and me to the back of the room, to where Tom was sitting. “Leave him alone!” I shouted, but it did no good. He grabs up Tom like a rag doll and slings him over his shoulder. All I can do is watch, and when I turn to see him move out, Tom was doing his best to resist, I note the same type of table that Chakotay had been on weeks earlier. When the other Borgs leave, for it was clear that they were going to do this one at a time, I move to the force field, crying, shouting, “Leave him alone, you bitch!” But she just laughs. 

Tom is shouting to Chakotay to not do this. He’s pleading with him, to resist, to not do this. I can see clearly from here, even if my tears are blurring my vision. Tom’s tears don’t subtract from the courage he is exhibiting as Chakotay lays him down on the table prone, and locks his limbs in place. Then Chakotay moves to get something, and then he injects Tom with it, and I see Tom lose consciousness. I thank something for at least sparing him the same torment Chakotay had gone through. 

I watch as the other Borg surround Chakotay, for he is being made to do the assimilation, some form of cruel irony on that Bitch’s part. I then see that she is staring at me, her face full of dark amusement. “I don’t know how or when, but someday you will pay for this,” I hiss. 

 

*************

“What the hell is going on?”

“It’s the Borg, Ken. They’ve taken over the bridge and have the bridge crew. There are high-level security fields all over the place and they are changing harmonics faster than I can read the damn readings. Though the crawl spaces seem open, that’s how I got word that most of the crew is gathering near engineering,” Greg stated as he releases Ken from the brig and hands him a phaser riffle. 

Ken moves out with Greg, “are you sure they have the Captain?”

The two men move out of the brig, “It’s worst than that, they have all the alpha shift, including Tom and the Commander,” Greg replied, placing a supportive hand on Ken’s back. 

Ken stops as if stunned by the news, “Tom?”

“I’m sorry, Ken.” Greg then gives Ken a gentle nudge for they need to get moving. “So far the security fields are holding, but the number of Borg is increasing, we need to come up with a plan and fast.”

“What has B’Elanna to say?” Ken asks, moving into the crawl space and heads to the ladder that will take them down to engineering. 

“Don’t know, haven’t spoken to her directly. Word is going out to gather around engineering, and prepare to repel the Borg should they breech the fields, which is only a matter of time.” 

Ken steps out of the crawlspace and steps to the ladder, but he stops, and turns to Greg, he takes this moment and leans in and steals a kiss. Greg smiled, “What was that for?” 

“In case I don’t get a chance to do it again,” he replied seriously. 

Their eyes lock as the seriousness of the moment and what is in their hearts are silently communicated. Then Ken Dalby breaks the look and starts to head down the ladder as fast as he can, with Greg behind him. 

They enter engineering to find over fifty percent of the crew already gathered there, taking up arms and strategic positions. Ken and Greg move to the center where Seven of Nine is with B’Elanna discussing a course of action. 

“I have gone through the computer system, the new field harmonics was recently added, and they are quite capable of staying off the direct assault of the drones. However, it is only a matter of time before they will start to cut through the hull to get to us,” Seven stated. 

“Who added it?” Ken asks, liking to know their situation straight up. 

“Unknown,” Seven replied. 

“Does it matter, Ken? We have our hands full here. The ship is crawling with Borg, mostly on the bridge and a few halls, but that won’t last long. The ship is dead, and we have no place to run too,” she growls. 

“Have you tried to get the engines up again?” Greg asks.

“What good would that do? We can’t pilot the ship from here,” B’Elanna retorts. 

“No, but we can from the holo deck,” Ken stated with a grin on his face. He notes the curious looks he’s getting. “It’s something Tom was trying to work on before…well, before we discouraged him from being more part of the crew,” Ken added, a bit of guilt filling his eyes. Then he squared his shoulder, knowing there was no time for this, “He was creating a program that would feed information from the helm to the Simulation Bridge to add to the authentic aspect of the training sequence. Why don’t we just reroute the program so it sends the signals to the helm, and fly Voyager from the simulated helm on the holodeck?” 

The group looked at each other, taking in this idea; it was Seven that spoke first. “It may work. I will access the computer and see how much of the program is in place and what changes are required.”

“Okay, then I’ll see if I can’t override what shut us down,” B’Elanna adds. 

“We’re going to need Rick, he’s the next best pilot we’ve got,” Greg stated, looking around the crowd. 

“He’s trapped near the hydroponics bay. There are no crawl ways to get to or from his position, and there are Borg in the way.”

“Speaking of Borg, they’ll be in the way of us getting to the holo deck too,” Sam adds in, moving closer to the center group, her daughter in tow. 

“Then we’re just going to have to knock them back, and out of the way,” Ken replied. Then he looks at Greg, “I’ll get Rick, you secure the holo deck.” He then turns back to see if B’Elanna is agreeable to this, since she is the ranking officer at present. 

“Take what you need, but be careful, understand?” 

Ken and Greg exchange a look and then gather two other crewmen each, and headed back into the crawl way’s each determined to succeed in their missions. 

B’Elanna starts giving out orders to keep the area secure, as well as start to get the ships systems fully functional again, specially the engines and the weapons. 

 

****************

Greg Alaya managed to secure the Holo deck they would need to gain control of the helm. He contacted B’Elanna who reported that with Seven’s help they got passed the override no problem, in fact it was rather easy and stations were up. She also informed him that the program Ken was talking about was fully functional and Seven was working on reversing the connection. 

Greg then contacted Ken Dalby to get his status, and to hear his voice and know he was alright. He had been in love with the pain in the neck for years, always seeing what was just under the surface and thinking himself crazy. He couldn’t believe his ears when he heard Ken confess to Tom that he too was gay. This made Greg’s heart do summersaults, but he remained cool, for he wanted to talk with Ken, to see if it was his hiding in the closet that kept them apart; to his delight it was. When he and Ken talked and he risked making a move on the other man, he was more than thrilled to have Ken return the kiss with equal passion and desire. But now that he and Ken had just ‘found’ each other, his soul was in panic that he would lose him. 

“Ken, status,” he shouted over his com badge.

“I sure as hell hope you have the holo deck secure, because we’re heading your way, and are rifles are low, and Borg troops are on our ass!” Ken shouted back. 

“Holo suite two is ready for you. I’ll meet you half way, okay,” he stated, not really waiting for an answer, as he closed the channel and moved to the door. He turned to the other two crewmen, “Keep it secure,” he stated then headed out the door. 

Greg got as far the end of the hall when he spotted Ken, and six others making their way toward him, one of them being Rick Betaheart. “Over here!” He shouted. 

He moved to the other corner and started firing, slowing down some of the Borg. He was glad that Seven had adjusted the Riffles to switch harmonics every other shot, or they’d be up a creek without a paddle. Just then Rick was shot in the leg and fell. Ken rushed to his side along with another crewmember, and they got Rick up on his feet, but a drone was up on top of them, and Ken turned to face the thing one on one. 

“Ken, No! Get away from that thing!” Greg shouted, but it was too late, Ken was grabbed and injected, he fell to his knees. Greg saw red as he fired his riffle without mercy, only when all the drones were back far enough, for the forward ones had been dropped, he ran and grabbed Ken and dragged him to the holo deck were the others were and secured the door. 

“Ken…Ken…fight it Ken,” Greg said, as he laid the other man’s head on his lap, watching the slow and painful transformation. 

“Kill me, Greg,” he whispered. “I…I don’t want to be one of them,” he pleaded. 

Greg knew what he was saying, but he couldn’t lose Ken, not now. “Just hang one, Ken. We can reverse it, you know we can, just hang on. I swear, I won’t let you become one of those,” he said, holding back the tears he felt seeing the man he love pale and blotches start to cover his face. 

“Cover my eyes, and move me away from here, for I can feel them in my head,” he said softly.

Greg does as he is told, he moved Ken to the farthest part of the holo deck, now bridge, and uses his Jacket to shade Ken’s view. What Ken knew so would the Borg. “I know it may seem too soon, Ken, but I love you, so you fight it, you hear me!” 

“I’ll try,” he said, raising his hand up to the other man’s face, “but…resistance is…futile,” he said, and then passed out. 

******************

Janeway couldn’t see what was happening on the table, and she was glad of it. The only thing that kept her by the force field was the few growls of discontent the Borg queen would give every once and a while. It seemed her crew was holding up a lot better than was anticipated. 

“It’s only a matter of time, Captain,” she grinned, not wanting to concede that she was being put off so long. Then she moved off to coordinate the taking of Voyager and see why things were taking so long, there was an echo in their thoughts, and it was slowing things down. This was unacceptable. 

Janeway then noticed that Chakotay had moved from the table, still slow and without emotion. There was blood on his hands, and she felt ill. //Heavens, Tom, I’m so sorry! // She thought. She had cried, but her soul was hardening, for she knew that was the only choice she had, for she knew that unless her crew pulled off a miracle, what was to come. She then raised an eyebrow, for when she saw Tom, he was still his normal pinkish color. Then she saw a small metallic lump lengthwise down his spine, and small lights were blinking. It looked thin and delicate, and fit perfectly down the center of his back from head to tail bone, but she couldn’t see if it went farther for he was still wearing his underwear. She then watched Chakotay hit a switch that released Tom’s limbs and then moved back to him, rolling him over. 

Then she saw Chakotay grab the hand of another Borg who was about to inject something into Tom. There was an exchange, she couldn’t hear it, but the Borg drone backed down, and Chakotay continued what he was doing. He gave Tom another injection and to her horror, Tom started to come around. 

“What are you doing? Why is he not assimilated yet?” the Queen shouted, her anger clear in her tone. 

Janeway could see that Tom was moving, unaware that he was moving his legs, he was moving his legs without effort. Then what she witnessed next took her by surprise as well as the Borg Queen. 

Tom bolted up, he was free and the nightmare was real, Borg surrounded him, and they were going to assimilate him. Then he noticed he was moving, legs and all. He turned to see Chakotay move to a panel and enter a few commands. Then Chakotay looked up at him, “Access code?” 

//was that a smile? // Tom thought, but seeing the other Borg reaching out for him he shouted, “0425!” to his surprise the Borg around him stopped in their tracks. Tom looked around and saw the Queen’s expression go livid. 

“Assimilate him! Assimilate all of them!” she ordered, her patience at an end.

Chakotay moved up to Tom and placed his com badge in the young man’s hand. “Sorry,” he said, then hit a button on a control panel. “Take care of them,” he added and Tom started to feel the tingle of a transporter beam, but he didn’t fade away until he saw Chakotay laying sprawled on the floor, after being shot. 

Janeway couldn’t believe it. Somehow Chakotay had resisted enough of the Queen to free Tom, and she was having a strong suspicion that he did more than that. Tom was sent back to Voyager, now able to walk, and she remembered that security fields had sprung up just before the Borg attacked. //Just what are you up too? // She thought, but she was pulled back to the present by the Borg Queen’s shouts.

“Get him back! Assimilate them!” she ordered, pointing to the cell. 

The Borg around the table started to move again, this time toward the cell, and other Borg moved into the room too, but when the ones at the table started to engage in battle with the others, it was clear that the Queen was losing control. 

“What is going on!” she growled as she whirled around, trying to make sense of what was causing the disharmony in her collective. 

The Borg right next to her, first aiming for one of the rouge Borg, stopped what he was doing and backhanded the Queen. Then it spoke, “It’s called taking over,” it growled. Then before it could shoot her, another Borg shot it. But the room was in chaos, and it became more and more difficult to determine who was in control and who wasn’t. 

Then the Borg near the cell stopped firing at the renegade Borg and turned to the cell and deactivated it. “You must leave, Captain. I can’t keep this up for ever,” the Borg said.

Janeway stared at the drone, and every instinct in her told her what she needed to know, “Thank you Commander,” she smiled, and moved out. She and Tuvok grabbed the Commander’s body, and Janeway was concerned, it wasn’t breathing. 

The Borg that opened the cell called out, “Just open your com badges, the ship’s computer will do the rest,” and then he was hit and fell to the floor, dead. 

“Chakotay!” She shouted, but before she could move another drone stepped near her.

“Get out of here, Kathryn, and take care of Tom and the others for me,” the female drone stated, staying off another volley of assault, for the others to escape. Seeing that female fall was the last thing Janeway saw until she reappeared in engineering of her ship. 

“Captain!” several crewmembers shouted. 

She stood up to see her crew was there, and the EMH was there examining Tom. “Doctor!” she called out, not wanting to waste a second.

The EMH moved to the Captain, noting by the tone of her voice that it was an emergency. Then he spotted Chakotay lying on the floor. He bent down and started to scan him. 

“Can you save him?” she asked in a hushed tone.

The crowd parted as Tom, now able to walk moved passed them to Chakotay and the Doc’s side. “Cha!” he cried out, but Janeway gently kept him back, so the Doctor could do his job. After several long minutes, and the use of a neurostimulator, he had the body working and stable. 

The Doc scanned him again, “He’s stable, but his brain functions are minimal. I’m not sure what that means at the moment, until I get him to sickbay, and that’s not an option right now.”

“Can’t we just beam there?” Tom asked, his concern full on his face.

“It isn’t a matter of method, it’s a matter of the Borg. They are crawling all over the ship,” the Doctor replied, his distaste for them showing. 

B’Elanna moves up, hugs Tom, and hands him a jumpsuit, “We’ve used that program you made, and created a simulated bridge, that allows us to connect to the real one,” she stated with glee. “It’s almost up and running, and it’s secure,” she adds.

“What program?” Tom and Janeway ask together

“The one where you connect feedback from the real helm to the simulation to allow for a more realistic feedback,” B’Elanna replied.

Tom looks puzzled, “How…how did you know about that?” 

“I never heard of that?” Janeway stated.

“Ah, well, I…never pursued it,” Tom replied, feeling awkward. 

“Well, too bad, it’s a great program. Ken mentioned it. Right now we got engines and weapons up and Rick at the helm. We were getting ready to make a break for it,” she stated, hoping no one would think less of them for it. 

“Transporters are functional,” Seven stated. “I can do a site to site transport now,” she adds. 

Janeway stood up and gave a nod, and gave a look, which was all it took for the Alpha shift to take positions. She waited until Tom stood by her. 

“Take care of him, Doc,” Tom stated, and then with a nod, the Alpha shift vanished. 

*************

No one was more surprised than Greg was when he saw the Alpha shift appear on the simulated bridge, and Tom standing on his own two feet. “Captain?” he said, from the corner, where he was holding Ken, still unconscious, as the transformation was crawling through his body.

Most of the crew took their regular station, but Kathryn and Tom moved toward Greg. “Greg, what happened?” Tom asked.

Greg gave a stress laugh, “I could ask the same of you,” he replied. 

“I’m not sure,” Tom said, for there was no time to go into it. He moved the jacket and gasped with concern. Ken was pale and was well on his way to being assimilated. 

 

“Janeway to Torres. Lock on Alaya and Dalby’s signal and beam them to your location. Ken is down,” she ordered. Then she looked at Greg, “The Doc is there and we can reverse it,” she said, and was rewarded with her second in charge of Security’s smile as he faded out. 

The ship rocked!

“Stations!” she shouted as she moved to her chair, and Tom moved to his. 

But Tom wanted to know what was going on, even if he was trying to adjust to the fact that he could move freely again, and his back felt unusual, but it didn’t hurt. He checked to see if the real ship was moving and not just the computer saying it way. When he confirmed with B’Elanna that it was working, he turned to the Captain. “All up and running, Captain.’” He said as the view screen came up and they could see the Borg cube that held them prisoner. 

“Captain, sensors are detecting that the Borg on board are beaming back to the cube!” Harry shouted his joyous relief in his voice.

“Captain, the tractor beam has disengaged,” Tuvok stated.

“Way to go Chakotay,” she stated with pride. “Get us out of here,” she ordered. 

Tom sets the coordinates, but can’t help but wonder why the Captain is thanking Chakotay, who was laying unconscious in engineering. But until they were clear of here, he’d have to wait to find out. 

They managed to start pulling away, meeting only minimal fire. “Captain, all Borg have been cleared from the ship,” Harry stated. 

“I am detecting that several key locations on the cub have lost shielding, Captain,” Tuvok added. 

Kathryn hesitates for a moment, but only a moment. “Target those locations and fire,” she ordered, feeling her throat constrict as she said the words. She watched at the photon torpedoes were fired along with phasers and in minutes the cube started to explode into a mass fireball. With Tom at the helm they avoided any debris that flew in their direction. When it was all said and done, and Harry stated that there was no sign of the Borg, Kathryn gave the order for the crew to take up the regular bridge and get out of this location as soon as possible. 

“Tuvok, you have the ‘real’ bridge,” she said, and remained seated, as the Alpha crew hustled to get to their real stations. She noticed Tom was taking his time. She rubbed her temples, how was she going to explain that after all this hell, the only thing they saved of their savior was just his shell. Somehow Chakotay had managed to merge his mind in the Collective and not be taken over by it. In fact, he took control of it, but his body was dead at the time, and his mind was over in the Borg ship that she just ordered destroyed. She looked up, Tom now standing right in front of her. //Heavens, how do I explain this? //

******END OF PART 9******

Personal Log:

It is the most amazing and most tragic story I can imagine at the moment. It seems that Commander Chakotay had more upstairs than any of us thought when it came to mind over matter department. From what Tuvok, the EMH and myself have been able to piece together, Chakotay placed himself in some sort of trance, that kept a part of him out of the Borg Queens hand’s. He somehow knew to set an ‘unlocking’ code, which he knew someone…Tom, would know. Why? This we can’t figure out, but having seen Tom’s reactions to all this…but I digress. 

Anyway, Chakotay was functioning on two levels. One that the Queen controlled and another, where he did. Though the particulars will always be lost to us, the results are not. He was programmed to turn over Voyager to the Borg, and though to some level he had no choice, he did manage to protect the rest of the ship. He also took advantage of the Borg technology and got Tom fixed up to where he can live a normal life again. The implant on his back has regenerated his spine, and was able to be removed safely. The Doctor is keeping it and studying it for future use. 

When Chakotay had fulfilled the basic requirements of the programming, handing over Voyager, and then aiding Tom in being healed, he somehow took control of the Borg collective, or a part of it. It was enough to let us escape and destroy the Borg ship. The tragedy is that his own body, having been temporally dead, from being shot by the Borg, but not before transferring his consciousness, was no longer in connection with the collective after it was brought up again by the Doctor. In other words, the connection was severed, and Chakotay had no way back to his own body. I knew he understood this, and he would have not wanted me to act any other way when he lowered the Borg shields, but I still regret it, none the less. 

When I explained this to Tom, I could see the play of emotions in his eyes, and his disbelief. The way he ran out of the holo deck to Sickbay, I knew then that he was in love with Chakotay. I had always had a deep suspicion, but with all the other blinders I was wearing, it didn’t become clear until that moment. I followed him, and seeing him shouting at Chakotay to come out of it, yelling that code over and over again…it broke my heart. 

I had Tuvok do another mind meld, he said it was a barren wasteland…meaning no Chakotay. I haven’t had the heart to tell the Doc to do anything. The body is fully able to function; just no one is home to manage it. So Chakotay lays there in sickbay, and my chief pilot stays by his side night and day. I finally had him sedated and band for two days from sickbay. I had to threaten him, that if he set foot in sickbay, I’d pull the plug on Chakotay. It’s a lie, but I can’t have both of them this way. I could see the hate Tom felt for me, but I was doing it for his own good, something I finally know is true. 

It’ll only be a matter of time where I may have to make that decision, but not today, and not anytime soon. *Sigh * The only good news is, is that we didn’t lose anyone else. Seems the Queen didn’t get around to upgrading all her drones’ nanobots, so we were able to revert Ken Dalby back to normal. He’s been released from sickbay today, and I ended his brig time. I think we all suffered enough around here. 

Well, he’ll probably tell me to go to hell, but I’m going to find Tom and ask to share a drink with me in his bar program. I know it isn’t regulation, but Tuvok has the bridge, and I feel the need to get drunk. 

Personal log out. 

************

This can’t be happening! Chakotay can’t be gone! Not after all this? All because of some stupid mishap with a computer program, and the man I love is now really just a shell of himself! I can’t take this. I’ve shouted at him, pleaded with him, praying he’ll hear me, but nothing. I’ve even tried that stupid code, wondering what was so damn important about it, but nothing. 

Than the Captain orders me out of sickbay, and when I won’t leave she threatens me, by saiding she’ll let the Doctor put Chakotay to sleep, as if he’s a dog or a race horse with a broke leg! A part of me can’t believe she’d do that…not to him anyway, but I don’t want to take the chance so I leave.

I’ve spent that time in Chakotay’s quarters, and I cry, not only for the pain I feel in my heart, but I’ve spent so much time here, it smell like me…no longer him. I’m loosing him, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. 

After who knows how long of crying, I get up. A part of me is glad to be able to move again, but I’d trade it in a heartbeat to have him here with me again. Even that walking talking shell was better than nothing. I move around his room, now able to explore it better and stumble across what he calls his medicine bag and the machine that allows him to meditate on such deep levels. I’m not sure what gets into me, but I spread out the blanket that is with them and sit down and open his bag. 

At this point I don’t feel any regret or shame, he’s in trouble, and perhaps this may help, even if I don’t know what I’m doing. I see the many tiny items that make up his bag, and I smile, for I see a small holo picture of me. I don’t let the tears free, for I want to focus. I take the machine he uses and turn it on, not sure what to do; I close my eyes and think about Chakotay. 

I suddenly find myself in a beautiful forest, the sky crystal blue and clear, the sun warm, and the wind gentle and loving. I feel welcomed, no…better, I feel home, even if I have never seen this place before in my life. I look around as I move through the lush green trees, not sure where I’m going or what I should do.

“It’s about time you showed up,” a voice from above calls out.

I turn and see a beautiful Hawk glide down and land on my shoulder. I don’t fear her, in fact, I feel connected to her. “Why do you say that?” I ask.

“I’ve been waiting for you for a long time, Tom. I though you’d get over your stubbornness a bit sooner and ask Chakotay to meet me. And if you haven’t figured it out, I’m your spirit guide.”

I smile, leave it to me to have a guide with attitude. “Well, I’m here now, though I’m not sure how or what I can do?”

“You’re here, because you believe and you wanted to meet me, and I you. You used Chakotay’s path, though in the future, you should respect it, and find your own. But under the circumstances, I am sure he will forgive you.”

“Then he isn’t dead!” I cry with hope and joy. 

“Death is just another phase in life young one, but if you mean is he still Chakotay? Yes, but he’s lost and you must find him.”

“How? Tell me how and I’ll do it,” I said, desperate to get my love back.

“Well if it was that easy, I’d do that…but it’s not. No, he’s out there and you have to find him, for even he doesn’t know where he is. Follow your heart, Tom,” the Hawk said, then fly’s away. Before I can say anything else I’m back in Chakotay’s quarters and the chime is ringing…Shit! 

I just stand up when the Captain walks in. “I…I can explain,” I stammer, hoping that I can. 

“I understand, Tom,” she said in an understanding voice. I see by the look in her eyes that she does and she doesn’t seem upset at me. I watch her take a seat near me. “I was hoping I could buy you a few drinks. I hate to drink alone, and I know I could use some,” she stated.

I look at her a moment, this was new. I then turn and close up Chakotay’s medicine bag and place everything back as he had it, not saying a word. I feel her eyes still on me, and I know she understands that I’m still upset at her. 

“You know I wouldn’t do that, Tom. I only said it for you needed to get some rest, get out of sickbay. You can’t help him, but you can take care of yourself,” she stated with a tiredness in her voice, that gets my attention. 

I turn and see the stress of all the past weeks on her face, and I see…Kathryn, not Captain Janeway, looking at me, hoping to make some connection with me. I move and sit in a chair near her. “I’m glad to hear that, for I’m not ready to give up on him.”

She gives a small smile, “I know, and for the record, neither am I. I…I just don’t know what else we can do. Tuvok has no idea, and neither does the Doctor. I…I need a drink. Sure you won’t join me?” 

This is the second time this woman has extended me the olive branch, and again, for Chakotay, I accept. “Yeah, I could use a few myself.” I get up and follow her to Sandrines and I’m glad that it’s not too crowded. 

I sit in a booth with her across from me, and I feel a small smile on my face seeing Greg and Ken sitting in another booth near by, holding hands. I am glad things are working out for someone, but I still can’t help feel my own heart breaking. 

“Two Scotches straight up and keep them coming,” she stated, then looks at me, “what are you having?”

This brings another small smile to my face, “I’ll have a stinger,” I replied, and then let the moment pass. The quiet between us grows, until the drinks arrive, and we both slam them down. This causes us to immediately giggle, a natural immature response to acting immature, I guess. 

“Look, Tom. I know sorry won’t cut it. But I am sorry for all this. If I hadn’t been so stupid…” she sighs and takes her other drink and slams it down. It’s then that I see the guilt in her eyes. At first I get angry thinking she’s looking for resolution, but then I calm myself and look again…no, she’s just trying to accept what is and move on, like me. 

“We can’t change the past, Captain. Heaven knows I’ve tried,” I smiled, and then I order another drink, this time a beer. I’m not sure how I feel seeing the Captain take her third drink as if it’s water. 

“Boy, do I know that,” she stated, a bit of a slur, for the drink is starting to affect her. It must have been awhile since she’s drank like this, but then I take notice, its real scotch, and I stay the barmaid, from delivering the fourth one, when my beer arrives. “Coffee, black,” I said and gesture for the two of us.

“Won’t even let me get drunk, will you,” she growled a bit. But I don’t take this personal, I understand the pain she’s in, and for once find that I’m bigger than I use to be, and don’t have to drag her through it as I would have done before. 

“You don’t need to get drunk, you need to talk about it,” I said, feeling a smile cross my lips. //Yep that’s just what Chakotay would have said. // 

“What’s there to say? Because of my stupidity, my crew has suffered, you were almost permanently paralyzed, and Chakotay…is gone,” she said, suppressing a small sob. 

“I don’t believe he’s gone, Kathryn,” I said, taking a risk at using her first name. “I don’t know where he is, but I know he’s not gone…he can’t be. We still need him,” I said, as I lay my hand on hers as the coffee arrives. 

She looks up at me, her eyes searching mine, and I see she finds what she was looking for, for she smiled at me, then with a nod takes the coffee and drinks it down. //Damn, can that woman suck down liquids! // 

“So, if you don’t mind me prying, how long have you and Chakotay been together?” she asks over her coffee.

I look surprised, but then I see she has seen how I feel. “We’re not actually together. We…well, we never really had a chance to be,” I said, feeling the wave of old anger hit me. I sip my beer and try to swallow it back, not wanting to lose the ground I just gained with the Captain.

I see the guilt fill her eyes again, but I can’t remove that, for I feel it too. “Then how did you know his door code?” she asks. 

Not really wanting to go into it, “He gave it to me, I…I had to retrieve something…” I lie. I see she knows this, and I’m glad that she doesn’t press it. 

“Tom!” Ken said, as he moves toward us, slowing down when he sees that the Captain is with me. 

“Mister Dalby, I’m glad you’re doing well,” she said politely. She glances and takes notice that Ken and Greg are still holding hands. I brace myself to see how she’ll react. To my surprise, “I hope you and Mister Alaya are enjoying your day off,” she added warmly. 

This eases the tension that was surrounding all of us, and Greg and Ken smile too, “yes we are,” Greg replied. 

“I just wanted to see for myself,” Ken stated, looking at me. “I was told that you were up and around again…I’m…well, I’m very glad,” he said softly. “Well, I didn’t mean to intrude, perhaps…later?” 

“I’d like that, Ken. Thanks.”

Ken and Greg move back to their table to finish their drinks before heading out. I return my attention to the Captain. The awkwardness is back, and I sip my beer silently. 

“So, what’s so special about that code? I mean, well, out of all the things he could have chosen…?” she asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.

I too wonder why he chose his door code of all things; “I’m not sure why he chose zero-four-twenty-five,” I replied. 

“It’s the day we met,” I hear a voice state. 

I turn to see Ken looking at me oddly, Greg looking at him oddly, for they were on their way out. “What did you say?” I asked, slowly. 

Ken slowly disengages his hand from Greg’s “It’s the day we met,” he stated again.

“Ken, are you alright?” Greg asks with concern.

Ken blinks and faces Greg, “Ah…sure, why?” he asks.

“We met in April, Ken?” I stated, not sure what all this was about, not really sure if I can allow myself to believe it. 

“Excuse me?” he said, looking puzzled. “I met you when you came aboard the CrazyHorse, that was sometime in May. Why?” 

“You just said you met Tom in April” Janeway replied, looking just as confused as Greg and Ken. 

I find myself shaking inside, “April twenty-fifth, zero-four-twenty-five,” I repeated slowly…praying. 

Ken blinks at me again, then moves toward me, reaching out his hand and caresses my face, much to the dismay of Greg, “Yes, in that seedy bar. One look at you and I was hooked. If only you could have kept your mouth shut,” he teased. 

I stand up and look deep into Ken’s eyes, but it’s not Ken I’m seeing, “Chakotay?” I said, with a sense of knowing and hope. Before I know it, I’m in a deep embrace receiving a deep passionate kiss. I feel all of Chakotay’s love in that kiss, but at the same time, I hope Greg understands…I think he’s the jealous type. 

The kiss is broken and suddenly Ken is looking at me as if I grew a second head. Then he turns to Greg and starts to apologize profusely, but before anyone said anything else I turn to the Captain and shout, “Chakotay wasn’t connected to the collective, but Ken was! He’s in Ken!” 

 

*************

Tuvok has just finished the double mind meld, and we’re all praying that it works out, for I don’t know if Greg is the sharing type, but by the look I got in the bar, I truly doubt it. Nor do I think Ken is, but he may not have a choice, for if Chakotay can’t make it back to his body, I won’t let him go! I stand and pace with Greg and the Captain, praying for the best. 

Tuvok comes around; Ken and Chakotay are still unconscious on the biobeds, and we all look at him expectantly, as the Doc runs the medical tricorder over both Ken and Chakotay. 

“Well?” I ask, not able to stand the suspense any longer. 

“I believe I was successful. But we will not know for sure until the Commander comes around. I can only say that his mind is no longer in Mister Dalby,” Tuvok replied. 

“Brain activity has jumped,” the Doc stated, and soon he smiled, which has us all smiling. 

I move to Chakotay’s side as Greg moves to Ken’s who is waking up. I take Chakotay’s right hand in mine, “Cha?” I said softly, hoping this time he’ll respond. I grin ear to ear, and feel tears stinging my eyes as I see his eyes start to blink, trying to focus. “I’m here, Cha,” I said, squeezing his hand, so he knows I’m with him. Then my eyes lock with his, and I can see…it’s him!

“Hi” he whispered his throat is dry, and he looks hazed.

‘Hi, yourself,” I smiled bigger, and caress his hair. “How do you feel?” 

I see he is thinking about things, and I suddenly regret it. I really don’t want him to think about things. I just want him back, and let the past be. I feel a sense of relief when he looks at me puzzled, and not pained. “I feel okay, I guess. What happened?’ 

A mixed blessing? “What is the last thing you remember, Cha?” I said softly. I see his cheeks blush slightly. 

“Kissing you…then…we busted out of the Borg cell!” he was remembering. He started to sit up, but I held him down with a gentle hand. “We got out, right?”

I look to the Captain, unsure what I should do at this point. His eyes follow mine, and he gets a defensive look, I’m not sure where that’s coming from. “Cha…that was…weeks ago,” I said softly, getting him to look at me again. 

“Weeks? What…happened?” 

“Tell him, Tom,” the Captain said in a gentle understanding voice. “He deserves the truth.” 

I see Chakotay looks at her puzzled, not only by her words, but her tone. Then he looks at me. I turn to gesture for everyone else to leave, giving us privacy. I see Greg, pick Ken up in his strong arms, no easy feat, and calls for a site to site transport, with the Captain’s okay. Then she and Tuvok leave, and the EMH lets me know he’s nearby, should I need him. I sit on the edge of the biobed, holding his hand and I begin telling him all I know of what happened since that fateful day. 

I see the pain in his eyes, and the horror, as if on some level, he was in control, yet had no idea what was going on, on another. I inform him of how impressed Tuvok was with his self-mind control, and I make sure he understands that he saved us, and me. I want him to focus on the good that came out of this nightmare. 

After I tell him everything, and we’ve shared some tears, I take his left hand in mine, and I kiss it, gently, lovingly. “I love you, Chakotay. I have for a long time. I have no intentions of letting anything get in-between us again, nothing, do you hear me…not even you,” I smile warmly, through tear stained eyes. 

“It’s going to take me some time…to adjust to all this…” he gestures toward his mechanical hand and then his head. 

“Well, I’ll be with you every step of the way,” I said, leaning in and giving him a loving kiss. At this point, I don’t care who knows. 

“I’m sorry I scared you,” he said after the kiss ends.

“Scared me?”

“I had no way of warning you…before I…I had to follow the program, but I could change it. I…I knew they could help you…” he stammered, for he was remembering it. 

I caress his face, “Shhh, Love. It’s over, and we’re together. We’ll take things one day at a time,” I said. 

“I apologize for interrupting, but the Commander needs to rest,” the Doc stated as he walks in. “His hasn’t had a proper rest for some time, and with the nanobots now in his system, they need to regenerate. Seven believes that with some calculations and some adjustment, you may be able to avoid the regeneration chamber that she has to use.”

I glare at the Doc. He must have been listening, or he really does have the worst bedside manner in history, to just come out and said all that. “Doc…” I growl. 

“Chartezzeroncloride in three regular doses of 20cc’s for the next three days and I will be able to produce the necessary requirements the nanobots will need,” Chakotay stated calmly. 

When the Doc stated he’s not familiar with that drug and Chakotay rattles off the chemical compounds used to make it, I see that there really are going to be some adjustments. He then looks at me, and I can feel he isn’t too happy that he just did that. 

“It’s okay, love. The Doc said that the neuronet has increased your memory and your recall that’s all. You’ll just have to deal with being smarter,” I teased. 

“One day at a time…right?” he asked me, looking into my eyes. 

I feel so loved and wanted as I look in his dark rich ebony eyes, and see that spark that is all Chakotay. “That’s right, Love. Baby steps, you an me.” I lean in and we seal our deal with a soul-searing kiss. 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: The poem “If Only” was written by me. The song “Kiss Me Softly” is off the new Journey album- Arrival; they own it, all of it, so please respect that. Thanks.


End file.
